Snarky Kisses - Part 3

Health & Wellness… and uh, yeah.

March 7, 2011

About that.

*grumble. grumble*

It's been a steady climb to the top …and not the kind where there are balloons and happiness and winners and… you know, all that comes with climbing to the top of something good.

No, not that kind … the other kind of top. The Two Hundred and Forty Eight Pounds top.

That's how much I weigh. There, I said it. I guess I made the bed, now I have to sleep in it.

248.

My highest weight before this was only 2 pounds down at 246, but if I continue on this path, it's only going to lead to places I don't want to go… and really, I have no excuses. I'm 5'9" with a BMI of 36.6.

The bowl of ice cream every night, sometimes every other.

The Dairy Queen. The fast food in general. The Mountain Dew. The laziness. The pants that keep getting tighter.

It's all got to stop. Every solitary ounce of it, STOP.

Before today, I don't think I could tell you the last time I sat down and drank a full glass of water. Not even kidding. It's been forever.

My medical records say from when I was 12 years old, "Overweight Cheerful 12 year old!" and rinse and repeat all the way through the current dates. I've been a big girl all of my life, it's just who I am. The ribcage that will always require bra extenders, that's okay… I don't mind that, it's the fat that envelopes them and nearly swallows them whole. The wrists that will never wear dainty little bracelets. I'm okay with that, it's the other stuff I'm not okay with.

The thighs that are steadily growing. The biceps that have been replaced with hanging fat. The fingers that get chubbier. The belly that is steadily increasing. The pants that I keep having to throw in the back of the closet for, "When I lose that weight some day…" …it's always start fresh tomorrow, or on Monday, or nah, let's go for next week, or okay, next month, then it just goes to some day, and then you start to feel guilty of the way you've neglected your body and health and you tell yourself that you've just got to do it, and you knooooooooow what you need to do, you just can't get in the right mindset.

You know what I'm talking about, right?

Then you get pissed. Mad at the world because, "WHY CAN SHE EAT THAT AND NOT GAIN A POUND AND I EAT THAT AND GAIN 3 POUNDS. WHY?" and then you drive to the local fast food restaurant and order yourself a cheeseburger or something fried or, maybe ice cream, and you forget about all the stuff you just said because all is right in the world again now that you've had your little fix of poor me and rewarded yourself with FOOD.

It's amazing all those little things that food can do other than keep us living.

It can kill us too.

And quite frankly, I don't care to go THERE.

So, join me on this journey… journey to the unknown where there are no tomorrows, or Monday's, or next weeks, or next month… we only today, because really, that's all we can promise ourselves.

If we focus on today and only today, each day that we are successful will lead to many days and eventually, many days of being successful will result in… uh, yeah… a healthier lifestyle.

I can't promise it's going to be all roses and happiness… because the reality of it is that today is my first day of a 24 day cleanse and I'd like to strangle the next person that eats something I want or drinks the pop that I want.

Yes, I'm fragile.

So, today, right now I will put my blinders back on, go pee for the 52nd time today, and re-filling my water bottle. And, the thought of tomorrow? Well, I'll deal with it when it gets here.

Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

Did you like this? Share it:

{ 7 comments }

Fill in the blank Friday!

February 25, 2011

I thought I’d give this a try for today since I want to write but didn’t feel like thinking about something interesting to write about. Maybe I’ll start doing it every friday since I always like it when people ask ME questions and I have to answer them.

I got this from the little things we do…
head on over to her blog if you want to join! **The questions will be in bold and my answers/inserts will be in normal font.

I am currently obsessed with Cityville. Sweet little Facebook Cityville that I always thought was “meh” and a craze and I don’t have time for that… well, clearly I was wrong. First thing I do when I get home, harvest my crops, collect my money, deliver goods, visit my neighbors, send a few gifts, and maybe build a few things. Honest to god, it’s beginning to be a sickness. I think I could spend HOURS on that; and I’ve spent far too much time and money on it… What’s $5 for however many coins? Well, when you buy those $5 worth of coins, five times, that’s $25! That $25 could be spent a hell of a lot better than on an imaginary city!! I’m just not patient enough to let my stuff accumulate freely. HOWEVER! On that note… you should REALLY add me as a neighbor… and I’ll send you lots of free gifts, I promise. It’s a sickness, I’m telling you.

Today I am anxious because, I have a lot of school work to do this weekend and laundry to be done and house to be cleaned up. It’s just one of those weekends that too much needs to be done, and I don’t want to half-ass any of it, but I have a feeling that might happen. Sometimes it’s hard to dig out from under when you’re buried so deep, you know? Not that it’s a bad thing, but maybe it’s a sign that I need to re-group and reassess my current projects so I can be sure to get everything done that needs to be done, and do it in a timely, not-half-assed manner.

The age I am is 25 and the age I feel is sometimes older, sometimes younger. Usually I’m just going with the flow. I’m pretty relaxed, I don’t want to jump too far ahead with my thoughts and the future, yet I don’t want to drag my feet either. I don’t want life to go running past me, yet I want to live and experience everything and anything. I’d say I’m pretty content and see myself as a 25 year old. The only thing that makes me feel worse is my lifestyle, the weight gain, blah blah blah, but that’s another whole can of worms that I quite frankly don’t feel like getting into right this second!

My favorite place is probably when I’m at my house, when it’s perfectly clean, smells good, everything is put away, and I can sit on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket and just be content with everything. I feel good when I know my house is presentable to anyone should someone stop by. I get such anxious when my house is in disarray and if someone were to just show up, I think I’d die. Literally. DIE. So, don’t do that. At least give me a 10 minute warning, or something!! Anyway, yes, my house is probably my favorite place. I do love being at my parents though on a beautiful summer day, laying in the grass, with the wind blowing and my puppies by me.

Something I have been procrastinating is everything. I think procrastination is my middle name; not even kidding. Every once in a while I get in one of those “don’t care” moods and I just don’t give a damn what happens, how long it takes, what my house looks like, when the dishes need to be done, why the laundry isn’t done, or the floor isn’t vacuumed or why the papers aren’t put away. Usually I’m one that will get home from work… the first thing I do is let Duke out, go get the mail, vacuum the living room (we have a german shepherd who sheds A LOT.) and then I do any dishes in the sink (empty or load the dishwasher), and I’ll take out the trash and pick up any cups or cans in the living room, I’ll clean off the counters if needed, open the blinds, turn on my Scentsy warmer (MMmmmm!) and change into my comfy clothes and wait for Chris to get home. But, now that’s changed and I’m in one of my funks and I’ve got to get out of it. If you seen what my house looks like right now, I’m pretty sure I’d dig a whole and burry myself. That is not a joke either.

The last thing I purchased was my pop… ha, does that count? No? Well… then… hmm… nothing amazing? Clearly? I did buy a super cute baby outfit with onesies, a tutu and a super cute hat for my friend who has two month old twin girls! FUN! If we have a girl (or boy) I’m going to be in serious trouble buying clothes. Although, it is probably more fun to me now because I don’t have the other expenses that a mom has when they have a new baby. One of my greatest joys would have to be giving… giving to a friend, buying something for a friend, taking that extra step for a friend… it makes me feel so good. Sorry, kind of off topic.

The thing I love most about my home is the layout and the three bedrooms and three bathrooms. If you don’t know this, we purchased our first home last year in April and it’s a town home. The layout of it is something I absolutely love; we originally weren’t looking at town homes but we decided this one was worth it and we liked everything about it and this way we are given a bit more of an opportunity to get on our feet with a smaller mortgage, and we can learn the ropes of home ownership without having to worry about a few of those extra things that comes with owning a single family home (yards, certain maintenance things, roofs, siding, etc). Anyway, you know… I should do a post on this alone, on the layout of our home. Maybe I’ll do that for my next post… stay tuned!

If you’d like to join in on Fill in the blank Friday, feel free to either go here and comment on her post, or leave a comment here and I’ll come see your entry!

Did you like this? Share it:

{ 2 comments }

There is a reason, always.

February 18, 2011

A friend of mine recently gave birth to twin girls… they were 10 weeks early but are home and healthy and truly ARE something to be celebrated about.

You see, it didn’t happen the traditional way… she didn’t have fertility problems that resulted in twins… it was a “surprise” pregnancy that just happened to be twins and well… long story that doesn’t need to be gotten into here… but I’ll say this… it was unfortunate and pretty much the worst possible thing that could happen with any relationship fling and/or marriage, etc.

I’m sorry I’m so cryptic with the details, but it’s not my place or time to tell her story.

My point is this… The girls were born in December, but I didn’t find out until two days ago when by accident some professional pictures were posted on Facebook by the photographer and the photographer tagged my friend in the pictures; thus word got out. The reason why I hadn’t found out until just two days ago was because the people she thought would support her, haven’t, thus she’s been afraid to tell anyone else because she truly wanted to save any dignity ANYONE had left in her. She has been ridiculed, degraded, belittled, judged beyond measure, mentally torn apart more than anyone should. You’re probably asking, so you haven’t seen her in how many months to not know she was pregnant? Well, we talked via internet, I knew she was going through some hard times, but never did I expect that she was pregnant. We live about 2 hours away from each other and our schedules just never have matched up to the point where we can get together as often as we’d like. I met her through another friend, Andrea and we got to be better friends in early 2008… she was my personal attendant in 9/08 for my wedding and I was a personal attendant in 9/09 for her wedding. I consider her and Andrea some of my very best friends; they’re the ones where you may not see for a while, but you can pick up where you left off and you talk via email/text, etc and it’s fine.

Kinda like a triangle… 3 points… the 3 of us, we all hold each other up when needed.

So, to say I was shocked when I found out was an understatement that she was now a momma to not only one baby, but TWO! When I found out, I could have judged her, I could have mentally torn her apart, I could have shoved her to the ground and stomped all over her… but, immediately… I felt compassion and sadness FOR HER.

She’s a good person, a very good person. She has a huge heart. She’s appreciative. She’s a hard worker. She strives for the best. She goes above and beyond to make people feel good. She’s quick to help when needed. She will take that extra step for you, when you can’t.

And when she is the one going through hard times, you’d think because she’s always been so good at helping OTHERS that the important people in her life would stand up FOR HER and return the favor. It hasn’t been that way in the slightest… there are a few other people in her life that may not agree with what she did, BUT they are still there for her and are able to look past the negativity that surrounds the situation and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I told her in a text message, “This is your chance to start over. You can make this life perfect for those girls. There will be many bumps in the road. There will be people that tear you apart so bad, you feel like you’re reliving the nightmare endlessly. Please look past those people, stand up for yourself and fight with everything you’ve got. You have just been blessed with two beautiful girls; things didn’t plan out like they should have, and it’s quite often we have to stop and look wayyyy far out there and truly try to find the reason why things like this happen and why things are given to us when they shouldn’t. Deep inside the hurt and pain, you have been blessed. You are a mom now, you have something to live for. Something amazing.”

And, then I sent another message, “I may not have a clue on how to even comprehend all of this, and I don’t know the whole situation so this the last thing I’m going to say until we talk again… I won’t lie… I’m hurt, I’m pissed off, I’m confused… BUT, I’m still here. If you need me, I’m here. I still care about you, I still value the person you are, and I still want to be there to help you if I can.”

After all, who am I to judge? Until I’ve been right where she is, I can’t say anything but TRY to understand. It bothers me that so many can be so judgemental; having family and friends that should have supported her, haven’t… the people she deeply cares about, have either criticized her and/or turned their backs… she feels alone.

Regardless of how these two beautiful girls came in to the picture, they are STILL human beings, they STILL deserve to be loved unconditionally, and they STILL are a blessing. Some wouldn’t agree that this was a blessing, but you have to look through the clouds and find the real reason why she was given two beautiful babies right now. Somewhere, somehow, someone knew she needed this… and the people that are judging her right now may not see the silver lining or any positivity in the situation… but they will. Someday, they will…

It won’t always be easy… there will be bumps in the road, big ones… people will continue to judge… lives have been changed drastically, but I still feel that she has been blessed beyond measure with two new lives in this world. We can’t continue to focus on the negative when it’s not going to change anything. If we stand up and support her and try to understand her thoughts, feelings and fears, and surround her with positivity and gratitude and the wealth of family and friends in this time of need, maybe we’ll all realize that we all make mistakes.

We’re not all perfect, nor will we ever be… but maybe those quick to judge will eventually realize that two positives can come out of one negative.