I guess I’ve been busy.  That’s an understatement.

It seems as though my days are winding down before I even get up in the morning.

I get up at 5:15… leave the house by 6… arrive to work by about 7:05… work work work until 3:15… arrive home by about 4:30… change clothes… and work on my computer for the rest of the evening until I go to bed at 10:30.

I am no longer going to school like I had originally planned.  I found a new love for photography and have started {krystle rae photography}.  It’s been a blast to do and I’m using every bit of my time from 4:30 when I get home until 10:30 when I go to bed either working on my website, researching, or editing photos… it is consuming my ever waking moment outside of working my fulltime job. I’ve got one or two sessions this weekend, three next weekend on the 20th, and two sessions on the 27th… it’s going to be busy, but I’m loving every solitary single moment of it. 

So, that’s where I’ve been… I don’t know what will become of this place… but I do know I’m working on my photography blog and that’s where I’ll probably be writing more often than not.  This place has had it’s time… since oh 2007 or so… and I think it’s finally come to it’s resting place.  Snarky Kisses will probably retire sometime soon. 

So feel free to join me at my photography blog… it’s still under construction, but add it to your readers and it will be up soon. 

Hugs to you and yours… and you’re welcome to follow me around elsewhere on the web… just click the link below and you’ll be linked to wherever I am!

Pinterest - my new found love… of all things inspiration.

Facebook – Personal Profile Page - i don’t update here EXTREMELY often, but i do at least a few times a week.

Facebook – {krystle rae photography} Page  - coming soon… still working on it.

Photography Website - my new photography business website… still under construction, but you can see go see what it’s all about.  take a look around and check back often for updates.

Photography Blog - this is where you’ll be able to find me more often than not… come join me!  it’s still under construction though, so keep checking back.

Email Me! - have any questions? live in minnesota or wisconsin and want your pictures taken?

I started taking Adderall in April 2009 after I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy.  I always had a problem feeling tired, fatigued, drained, never ever having that hop in my step like I needed.  My grades struggled at school, I couldn’t focus on one thing for more than a few minutes and I struggled with paying attention to anything that didn’t keep me involved and invested for longer than five minutes, if that. 

I was reading through a post over at the Curvy Girl Guide and it inspired me to write about why I take Adderall and the insecurities I have when I take it.  After reading that post, I found the story Allison was talking about on the NBC Today titled, “College students get hooked on ‘smart drugs’.  

“At colleges across America, students are becoming addicted to a popular prescription drug – not because they’re trying to get high, but because they hope to get smarter.  The drug, Adderall, is normally prescribed for kids with attention deficit disorder.  But some college kids are taking the medication because it helps them focus and pull all-nighters.”

“When I’m on Adderall and I’m looking at the textbook I can forget about everything else around me,” she told NBC News’ Amy Robach, in a report aired on TODAY.  ”I figured if everyone else is doing it, why should I get the advantage?”

 ”It’s a highly addicted substance and when you play with addictive substances, you ultimately get burned,” Stephen Odom, a drug abuse counselor at Sober Living by the Sea, told Robach. “For all intents and purposes, Adderall is speed.  You’re putting something in your body that’s gonna make you think you’re OK when you’re not.  And the next thing you know, you’re gonna be spinning out of control.”

 ”In some instances these types of drugs can hurt you,” said Dr. Nora Volkow, director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse.  “For example, when people want to do imaginative things.”  The same drugs that can improve focus can inhibit flights of imagination, which may make it more difficult to write creatively, Volkow explained to Robach.  So, just how big of a problem is this?  As part of a hidden camera investigation, a TODAY intern visited the library at one of the nation’s top colleges, and it didn’t take long to score some pills.  Just 30 seconds of walking into the library, the intern hit pay dirt with one of the students.  “Do you know anyone here that I could get Adderall from?” the intern asked.  “Yeah, me,” the student replied.  “How much for a pill?” the intern asked.  “Like five bucks for a 25 milligram pill,” the student answered taking the TODAY show intern back to one of the library carols where she pulled out some pills.  The intern said she didn’t have that much cash on hand and the student suggested an alternative method for scoring Adderall:  feign symptoms and get a legitimate – and legal – prescription.  “I guarantee you have half the symptoms,” the student said.  “Google ADD specialists.  It’s in t heir interest to prescribe it to you because you have to go back to them once a month and check in and give them some money.”  That’s exactly what “Mike” did.  “I went to a doctor and told them I couldn’t focus,” he told Robach. “And by the end, I walked out with a prescription.  It was incredibly easy.”  Robach wondered how his parents felt about his getting a prescription to boost his grades.  “It’s like a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ kind of thing,” he said.  “They don’t wanna know.  They’re paying for that report card.”

I’ll tell you straight out… I don’t know what I’d do without Adderall.  I’m not addicted, or at least I don’t think so… but I will say this… I don’t know what I’m going to do without it some day. 

As I said at the beginning of this post, I was prescribed Adderall for my Narcolepsy and I remember the first day I took it.  A part of me was incredibly anxious and excited about getting this new prescription because I’ve heard of the stories about the drug and how it can affect you.  I was originally prescribed 20mg two times a day, and that was usually right away when I got up, and then again around lunch time, early afternoon but no later than 3pm if I wanted to be able to sleep at night.  After a month or two of that, I was getting very fatigued again and could not stay awake enough at night to get a good night of sleep.  I was essentially going to bed too early, not sleeping well, and without sleeping well, you’re going to be tired the next day.  I went back to my doctor and he explained why I was having those symptoms and suggested that I try taking 20mg three times per day… and I could take either one in the morning when I got up, one at lunch and one before I leave work for the day.  Or, he said I could take two in the morning and one in the afternoon.  I’ve taken two in the morning and one in the afternoon now for the past year or so and it’s helped significantly.

The clarity and focus has been amazing… feeling ALERT and ALIVE is something I can’t even explain… I have that hop in my step, that energy, desire to do big things, my thinking process is at 150% and I can for once forget about everyone and everything else and pay attention solely to what I am doing.  I know all along in school growing up that I had ADD but it was never tested nor diagnosed… and that’s one huge incredible added benefit that I noticed when I started taking this.  I know without a doubt had I started Adderall while in school, my grades would have been much much different and better. 

As I said, it’s been a miracle drug, it truly has… but it’s also been my worst nightmare.  Within about 20 minutes of taking it I get that high feeling, that extra hop in my step, thinking about everyone and everything, focused and dedicated, new ideas popping in my head all the time, and talking like there is no tomorrow.  The initial feeling wears off and I come back down to a normal, focused state and within about 5-6 hours, I feel it wearing off, I get figity, start biting my nails, picking at various things, getting ADD and I’m not able to focus on whatever it is I’m working on… and in general, I’m all over the place.  Then I take the 3rd pill for the day and I’m good for the rest of the afternoon and evening until I go to bed. 

I’m writing about this because, yes… I truly do need Adderall, but I cannot help but feel like I have a label stamped on my forehead.  I take it three times a day, that is what is prescribed, and I have to fill my prescription once a month, with a new prescription each month because of the drug being a narcotic.  It’s a hastle in the least, and I feel frustrated that I worry about what others are thinking if they know I’m taking Adderall.  I feel insecure that people won’t believe me when I say I really need it, and I feel upset at the simple fact that people ARE abusing it and making it so difficult for those that truly do need it. 

I get it though… I understand how easy it is to get addicted… how much you truly think you need the drug… how much it’s helped you with your grades… how much it’s helped you with everything in general… just please, please be careful…

**edited to add:  I just re-read the end of the post at CGG that says: 

So, this is not me saying it should be pulled off the market – I know that every drug has the potential for abuse. I just think people should be more careful about it. It’s not something to play around with. It’s a serious drug and misusing it can have serious consequences.

But, I have no idea how else the negatives can be regulated or remedied. And, thankfully, it’s not up to me. Because here I sit, with my thoughts still scattered, my projects half finished, and as unfocused as ever. I’m still searching for a something to help me through all this. I’m just much more careful about what I put in my body this time around.

Maybe one of those non-stimulant medications is the answer.

Or, perhaps, I should just concede to the fact that my closet will forever be a disaster and that I will never get all those thank-you cards written.

Because that’s exactly how it is… she couldn’t have summed it up any better… especially the bold areas, she is spot on.

Age: 25… a pretty decent age, so far.
Bed Size: King… we used to have a Queen and now when we sleep in a bed smaller than ours, I feel like we’re too close… I like to spread out when I sleep, ha!
Chore you hate: Ugh, I’m going to agree with Krysten on this one… bathroom… especially the toilet. It just grosses me out like you wouldn’t believe. That’s why I make Chris clean his bathroom himself.
Dogs: Absolutely Love… especially Duke, Rex and Jack.
Essential start of your day: Mountain Dew. I know, I know… I have to kick that one to the curb, but I don’t like coffee!
Favorite Color: Deep, dark, yet bright right. Make sense? Ha!
Gold or silver: Silver for sure… not sure why, just like the look of that better for some reason.
Height: 5 ft. 9 in.
Instruments I play (or have played): I played Clarinet and Alto Saxophone in high school until 10^th grade.
Job Title: Group Underwriter for life insurance
Kids: Someday, hopefully sooner than later. We haven’t started TTC’ing yet though.
Live: Monticello, MN.
Mom’s Name: Cathy
Nickname: Krys, Krickle, Krunkie, Baby, Krystle Rae, Krystle baby.
Pet Peeve: PEOPLE WHO DON’T USE THEIR BLINKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! **I’m shaking my fist at you!!!!**
Quote from a movie:


Holly Kennedy on PS I love you: All I know is, if you don’t figure out this something, you’ll just stay ordinary, and it doesn’t matter if it’s a work of art or a taco, or a pair of socks! Just create something… new, and there it is, and it’s you, out in the world, outside of you and you can look at it, or hear it, or read it, or feel it… and you know a little more about… you. A little bit more than anyone else does… Does that make any sense at all?
Gerry Kennedy: Yeah… you’re saying you want to paint socks.
Holly Kennedy: Maybe!
—
Holly: That’s a real honest to goodness couple right there. They’ve probably been together since the flood.
Daniel: We’re so arrogant, aren’t we? So afraid of age, we do everything we can to prevent it. We don’t realize what a privilege it is to grow old with someone. Someone who doesn’t drive you to commit murder or doesn’t humiliate you beyond repair.
Right or left handed: Righty!
Siblings: None… zero… zippo!
Time you wake up: Usually 5:15am
Underwear: Yes… every day… new ones every day? Is that what you wanted to know?
Vegetables you dislike: Ugh, I don’t much care for veggies at all… I love corn though, and I love carrots but only with dill dip, but sometimes plain… I hate all raw veggies except carrots.
What makes you run late: Everything. I’m a chronic late person, seriously. Hate that!
X-rays you’ve had done: Chest, Teeth/Jaw, Wrist, Knee… I think that’s it.
Yummy food you make: Uh, yeah… let’s come back to this some day when I conquer cooking.
Zoo animal: Monkey’s!

I was searching on Google for something about questions to answer, questions to ask, etc, and I ended up on a blog with a TON of inspirational, awesome topics. I happened to see a post titled 25 Beautifully Illustrated Thought-Provoking Questions and I knew I had to post about it. I started looking around on the blog itself and realized on the sidebar all the many awesome posts I have yet to read. These were listed in a category, “Hot Posts” so I assume I’m not the only one that loves these!

• 50 Things Everyone Should Know How To Do
• 18 Things I Wish Someone Would Have Told Me
• 28 Dignified Ways to Impress Everyone Around You
• 40 Extraordinary Things Happening Right Now
• 50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind
• 30 Books Everyone Should Read Before Their 30^th Birthday
• 7 Clever Google Tricks Worth Knowing
• 70 Things To Do Before Having Children
• The Unwritten Love Poem
• 60 Ways To Make Life Simple Again
• 25 Beautifully Illustrated Thought-Provoking Questions
• 10 Simple Truths Smart People Forget
• The 30 Most Satisfying Simple Pleasures Life Has to Offer
• Why We Are Weird
• 40 Modern Nonfiction Books Everyone Should Read
• 75 Ways to Stay Unhappy Forever
• 29 Semi-Productive Things I Do Online When I’m Trying to Avoid Real Work
• 101 Short Stories that Will Leave You Smiling, Crying and Thinking
• 10 Reasons You Are Rich
• 12 Dozen Places To Educate Yourself Online For Free
• 26 Life Lessons Learned by Age 26
• 18 Means for Living Below Your Means

This blog also links to a site called Makes Me think and What Money Cannot Buy.

Makes Me Think (MMT)
is a blog where people can sign up and submit whatever they want, usually thoughtful short stories of something significant happening in their life. Here are a few written yesterday and today by various people.

“Today, as I sat alone in the barracks just before sunrise in Afghanistan, I realized it isn’t death that I fear most. It’s the thought of my two little girls struggling to grow up without a father the same way I did that makes me cry and MMT.”

“Today, in my father’s final moments just before he became too weak to speak, he said, “I know it’s silly to say, but I wish I could kiss your mother just one last time.” My mother died from cancer 10 years ago when both my parents were in their late 60′s.”

“Today, about a month after our townhouse burned to the ground with all of our stuff in it, I realized the thing that has affected me most is the fact that my husband and I owned far too many useless, wasteful objects that we never used. We miss very few of them.”

“Today, whoever robbed our apartment last week returned the DV video tape that was in our camcorder by leaving it in our mailbox. The tape contains the birth of our son and the final moments I spent with my dad in the hospital before he passed away last month. MMT”

What Money Cannot Buy (WMCB)
is also a blog where people can sign up and submit whatever they want, and it’s often something quick, powerful, priceless and simple. Here are a few written by various people.

“Immediately finding the start to a roll of tape.”

“Getting a big FedEx or UPS package that you weren’t expecting.”

“Picking someone up curbside at the airport on the first try without having to loop around the terminal.”

“The huge sense of relief when you find your cell phone after you think you lost it.”

::::::

I’m going to post about these things coming up… all of the topics listed above in the bullet points. I suggest you go read the blog Marc and Angel, it’s encouraging and inspiring and if anything, always gives you a topic to write about if you’re having trouble with thinking up something.

Stay tuned for my next post which will be all about 25 Beautifully Illustrated Thought-Provoking Questions.

Stay well.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a problem… I have lots of problems, mentally and physically.  Hell, we all have problems.

I'm going to write today about two of my absolute worst habits, ever.  These two things probably rank right up on the "top ten worst things about me" list.

Picking. Plucking. Biting.

Those three words define my problem.

I have a pair of tweezers at work, one or two in my desk, one by my bedside and one in a dish in the livingroom.  I also have 3 small handheld magnetic mirrors.

I have PCOS so I'm already hairy, eh.

But…this… THIS IS EXTREME.   It is a problem and it drives Chris CRAZY!

I'm not kidding. 

I was googling the other day about why I do some of the things I do… well whatever, I'll just write them out now.

1.  Constantly tweezing my eyebrows and chin and feeling for more hair… them pesky little buggers can pop up and grow within seconds, I SWEAR.  And, don't even tell me you're thinking, "Oh my Gawd, GROSS, she has chin hair?"  Cause I know you have them too… and you can't tell me otherwise.  I do it at home, sitting on the couch (drives Chris crazy, honestly CRAZY), riding in the car, sitting at my desk, laying in bed, anywhere and everywhere… but rarely in front of a bathroom mirror.  The normal lighting of a bathroom isn't very good… so I opt to only use my little magnifying mirror that suctions to the back of my iPhone and then I turn on my flash light and get to work.  Seriously, try it… best magnifying light you'll ever have. 

2.  Biting my nails and cuticles… hot, huh?  I've always been guilty of nail biting since I was a wee one… I do it when I have anxiety or when I'm nervous… or even boredom.  I hate being somewhere and near someone who is biting their nails and I hear that biting, clippy, snippy, teeth clacking noise… it sends my back to shivers, literally… I want to just yell to them, "STOP!  STOPPPPPPPP!!!!!" and I then I stop and think… "DO I DO THAT?" and chances are I do… unfortunately… still, gross.  Biting Cuticles too… how disgusting is this?  But I can't help it.  I've been trying to put lotion on my hands more now to avoid the feeling of wanting to "just get that little sharp piece of dry skin!"  It's kind of a lost cause and I've had bleeding cuticles and hang nails more than I can count.  Gross.

3.  Picking at My Face…even hotter, right?  I know, awesome, right?  I nearly go into convulsions when Chris has a zit on his back that I can pop.  It's like a victory lap after I just ran a race when I see one and I get to pop it.  I never used to be like this with him and other people's zits because, uh, EW?  You should have seen me the first time he asked me to do it… I looked at him in disgust.  Then though, there was something so fiercly liberating at the thought of squeezing that pimple until it POPS!  BLAHT!  "YESssssssssss! Success!!! GOT IT!!"  You know how they say not to pick at your face pimples or whiteheads and to just let them pop or release or whatever on their own?  NO EFFING WAY am I walking around work with a big whitehead on my cheek.  But then again, I think it's okay to walk around with a big red scabby thing, so I guess, maybe I'm not really doing myself a favor? 

I'm not afraid to admit these three things because I KNOW I'm not the only one out there that does the same thing… right?  RIGHT? 

Back to this internet research thing.

So I was searching a little and came across this forum at TotallyADD.com.  Let me let you in on a little secret…. I TOTALLY get what they're saying.  EVERYTHING.  I've got the SAME PROBLEMS!  THE SAME!!  EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!

And I don't know if that makes me feel any worse or any better… other than, uh, I'm glad I'm not the only one.  

What are your worst habits that you really don't want to admit?  Come on, I just told you three disgusting ones that I have… you should share yours too.  Especially if any of them are the same as mine! 

COME ON, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.

Pretty please? 

About that.

*grumble. grumble*

It's been a steady climb to the top …and not the kind where there are balloons and happiness and winners and… you know, all that comes with climbing to the top of something good.

No, not that kind … the other kind of top. The Two Hundred and Forty Eight Pounds top.

That's how much I weigh. There, I said it. I guess I made the bed, now I have to sleep in it.

248. 

My highest weight before this was only 2 pounds down at 246, but if I continue on this path, it's only going to lead to places I don't want to go… and really, I have no excuses.  I'm 5'9" with a BMI of 36.6.

The bowl of ice cream every night, sometimes every other.

The Dairy Queen.  The fast food in general.  The Mountain Dew.  The laziness.  The pants that keep getting tighter.

It's all got to stop.  Every solitary ounce of it, STOP.

Before today, I don't think I could tell you the last time I sat down and drank a full glass of water.  Not even kidding.  It's been forever.

My medical records say from when I was 12 years old, "Overweight Cheerful 12 year old!" and rinse and repeat all the way through the current dates.  I've been a big girl all of my life, it's just who I am.  The ribcage that will always require bra extenders, that's okay… I don't mind that, it's the fat that envelopes them and nearly swallows them whole.  The wrists that will never wear dainty little bracelets.  I'm okay with that, it's the other stuff I'm not okay with.

The thighs that are steadily growing.  The biceps that have been replaced with hanging fat.  The fingers that get chubbier.  The belly that is steadily increasing.  The pants that I keep having to throw in the back of the closet for, "When I lose that weight some day…" …it's always start fresh tomorrow, or on Monday, or nah, let's go for next week, or okay, next month, then it just goes to some day, and then you start to feel guilty of the way you've neglected your body and health and you tell yourself that you've just got to do it, and you knooooooooow what you need to do, you just can't get in the right mindset. 

You know what I'm talking about, right? 

Then you get pissed.  Mad at the world because, "WHY CAN SHE EAT THAT AND NOT GAIN A POUND AND I EAT THAT AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.  WHY?" and then you drive to the local fast food restaurant and order yourself a cheeseburger or something fried or, maybe ice cream, and you forget about all the stuff you just said because all is right in the world again now that you've had your little fix of poor me and rewarded yourself with FOOD.

It's amazing all those little things that food can do other than keep us living.

It can kill us too. 

And quite frankly, I don't care to go THERE. 

So, join me on this journey… journey to the unknown where there are no tomorrows, or Monday's, or next weeks, or next month… we only today, because really, that's all we can promise ourselves. 

If we focus on today and only today, each day that we are successful will lead to many days and eventually, many days of being successful will result in… uh, yeah… a healthier lifestyle.

I can't promise it's going to be all roses and happiness… because the reality of it is that today is my first day of a 24 day cleanse and I'd like to strangle the next person that eats something I want or drinks the pop that I want.

Yes, I'm fragile.

So, today, right now I will put my blinders back on, go pee for the 52nd time today, and re-filling my water bottle.  And, the thought of tomorrow?  Well, I'll deal with it when it gets here.

Baby steps, people.  Baby steps.

I thought I’d give this a try for today since I want to write but didn’t feel like thinking about something interesting to write about.  Maybe I’ll start doing it every friday since I always like it when people ask ME questions and I have to answer them. 

I got this from the little things we do…
head on over to her blog if you want to join! **The questions will be in bold and my answers/inserts will be in normal font.

I am currently obsessed with Cityville.  Sweet little Facebook Cityville that I always thought was “meh” and a craze and I don’t have time for that… well, clearly I was wrong.  First thing I do when I get home, harvest my crops, collect my money, deliver goods, visit my neighbors, send a few gifts, and maybe build a few things.  Honest to god, it’s beginning to be a sickness.  I think I could spend HOURS on that; and I’ve spent far too much time and money on it… What’s $5 for however many coins?  Well, when you buy those $5 worth of coins, five times, that’s $25!  That $25 could be spent a hell of a lot better than on an imaginary city!!  I’m just not patient enough to let my stuff accumulate freely.  HOWEVER! On that note… you should REALLY add me as a neighbor… and I’ll send you lots of free gifts, I promise.   It’s a sickness, I’m telling you.

Today I am anxious because, I have a lot of school work to do this weekend and laundry to be done and house to be cleaned up.  It’s just one of those weekends that too much needs to be done, and I don’t want to half-ass any of it, but I have a feeling that might happen.  Sometimes it’s hard to dig out from under when you’re buried so deep, you know?  Not that it’s a bad thing, but maybe it’s a sign that I need to re-group and reassess my current projects so I can be sure to get everything done that needs to be done, and do it in a timely, not-half-assed manner.

The age I am is 25 and the age I feel is sometimes older, sometimes younger.  Usually I’m just going with the flow.  I’m pretty relaxed, I don’t want to jump too far ahead with my thoughts and the future, yet I don’t want to drag my feet either.  I don’t want life to go running past me, yet I want to live and experience everything and anything.  I’d say I’m pretty content and see myself as a 25 year old.  The only thing that makes me feel worse is my lifestyle, the weight gain, blah blah blah, but that’s another whole can of worms that I quite frankly don’t feel like getting into right this second!

My favorite place is probably when I’m at my house, when it’s perfectly clean, smells good, everything is put away, and I can sit on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket and just be content with everything.  I feel good when I know my house is presentable to anyone should someone stop by.  I get such anxious when my house is in disarray and if someone were to just show up, I think I’d die.  Literally.  DIE.  So, don’t do that.  At least give me a 10 minute warning, or something!!  Anyway, yes, my house is probably my favorite place.  I do love being at my parents though on a beautiful summer day, laying in the grass, with the wind blowing and my puppies by me.

Something I have been procrastinating is everything.  I think procrastination is my middle name; not even kidding.  Every once in a while I get in one of those “don’t care” moods and I just don’t give a damn what happens, how long it takes, what my house looks like, when the dishes need to be done, why the laundry isn’t done, or the floor isn’t vacuumed or why the papers aren’t put away.  Usually I’m one that will get home from work… the first thing I do is let Duke out, go get the mail, vacuum the living room (we have a german shepherd who sheds A LOT.) and then I do any dishes in the sink (empty or load the dishwasher), and I’ll take out the trash and pick up any cups or cans in the living room, I’ll clean off the counters if needed, open the blinds, turn on my Scentsy warmer (MMmmmm!) and change into my comfy clothes and wait for Chris to get home.  But, now that’s changed and I’m in one of my funks and I’ve got to get out of it.  If you seen what my house looks like right now, I’m pretty sure I’d dig a whole and burry myself.  That is not a joke either.

The last thing I purchased was my pop… ha, does that count?  No?  Well… then… hmm… nothing amazing?  Clearly?  I did buy a super cute baby outfit with onesies, a tutu and a super cute hat for my friend who has two month old twin girls!  FUN!  If we have a girl (or boy) I’m going to be in serious trouble buying clothes.  Although, it is probably more fun to me now because I don’t have the other expenses that a mom has when they have a new baby.  One of my greatest joys would have to be giving… giving to a friend, buying something for a friend, taking that extra step for a friend… it makes me feel so good.  Sorry, kind of off topic.

The thing I love most about my home is the layout and the three bedrooms and three bathrooms.  If you don’t know this, we purchased our first home last year in April and it’s a town home.  The layout of it is something I absolutely love; we originally weren’t looking at town homes but we decided this one was worth it and we liked everything about it and this way we are given a bit more of an opportunity to get on our feet with a smaller mortgage, and we can learn the ropes of home ownership without having to worry about a few of those extra things that comes with owning a single family home (yards, certain maintenance things, roofs, siding, etc).  Anyway, you know… I should do a post on this alone, on the layout of our home.  Maybe I’ll do that for my next post… stay tuned!

If you’d like to join in on Fill in the blank Friday, feel free to either go here and comment on her post, or leave a comment here and I’ll come see your entry!

A friend of mine recently gave birth to twin girls… they were 10 weeks early but are home and healthy and truly ARE something to be celebrated about. 

You see, it didn’t happen the traditional way… she didn’t have fertility problems that resulted in twins… it was a “surprise” pregnancy that just happened to be twins and well… long story that doesn’t need to be gotten into here… but I’ll say this… it was unfortunate and pretty much the worst possible thing that could happen with any relationship fling and/or marriage, etc.  

I’m sorry I’m so cryptic with the details, but it’s not my place or time to tell her story. 

My point is this… The girls were born in December, but I didn’t find out until two days ago when by accident some professional pictures were posted on Facebook by the photographer and the photographer tagged my friend in the pictures; thus word got out.  The reason why I hadn’t found out until just two days ago was because the people she thought would support her, haven’t, thus she’s been afraid to tell anyone else because she truly wanted to save any dignity ANYONE had left in her.  She has been ridiculed, degraded, belittled, judged beyond measure, mentally torn apart more than anyone should.  You’re probably asking, so you haven’t seen her in how many months to not know she was pregnant?  Well, we talked via internet, I knew she was going through some hard times, but never did I expect that she was pregnant.  We live about 2 hours away from each other and our schedules just never have matched up to the point where we can get together as often as we’d like.  I met her through another friend, Andrea and we got to be better friends in early 2008… she was my personal attendant in 9/08 for my wedding and I was a personal attendant in 9/09 for  her wedding.  I consider her and Andrea some of my very best friends; they’re the ones where you may not see for a while, but you can pick up where you left off and you talk via email/text, etc and it’s fine. 

Kinda like a triangle… 3 points… the 3 of us, we all hold each other up when needed. 

So, to say I was shocked when I found out was an understatement that she was now a momma to not only one baby, but TWO!  When I found out, I could have judged her, I could have mentally torn her apart, I could have shoved her to the ground and stomped all over her… but, immediately… I felt compassion and sadness FOR HER. 

She’s a good person, a very good person.  She has a huge heart.  She’s appreciative.  She’s a hard worker.  She strives for the best.  She goes above and beyond to make people feel good.  She’s quick to help when needed.  She will take that extra step for you, when you can’t.

And when she is the one going through hard times, you’d think because she’s always been so good at helping OTHERS that the important people in her life would stand up FOR HER and return the favor.  It hasn’t been that way in the slightest… there are a few other people in her life that may not agree with what she did, BUT they are still there for her and are able to look past the negativity that surrounds the situation and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I told her in a text message, “This is your chance to start over.  You can make this life perfect for those girls.  There will be many bumps in the road.  There will be people that tear you apart so bad, you feel like you’re reliving the nightmare endlessly.  Please look past those people, stand up for yourself and fight with everything you’ve got.  You have just been blessed with two beautiful girls; things didn’t plan out like they should have, and it’s quite often we have to stop and look wayyyy far out there and truly try to find the reason why things like this happen and why things are given to us when they shouldn’t.  Deep inside the hurt and pain, you have been blessed.  You are a mom now, you have something to live for.  Something amazing.”

And, then I sent another message, “I may not have a clue on how to even comprehend all of this, and I don’t know the whole situation so this the last thing I’m going to say until we talk again… I won’t lie… I’m hurt, I’m pissed off, I’m confused… BUT, I’m still here.  If you need me, I’m here.  I still care about you, I still value the person you are, and I still want to be there to help you if I can.”

After all, who am I to judge?  Until I’ve been right where she is, I can’t say anything but TRY to understand.  It bothers me that so many can be so judgemental; having family and friends that should have supported her, haven’t… the people she deeply cares about, have either criticized her and/or turned their backs… she feels alone.

Regardless of how these two beautiful girls came in to the picture, they are STILL human beings, they STILL deserve to be loved unconditionally, and they STILL are a blessing.  Some wouldn’t agree that this was a blessing, but you have to look through the clouds and find the real reason why she was given two beautiful babies right now.  Somewhere, somehow, someone knew she needed this… and the people that are judging her right now may not see the silver lining or any positivity in the situation… but they will.  Someday, they will…

It won’t always be easy… there will be bumps in the road, big ones… people will continue to judge… lives have been changed drastically, but I still feel that she has been blessed beyond measure with two new lives in this world.  We can’t continue to focus on the negative when it’s not going to change anything.  If we stand up and support her and try to understand her thoughts, feelings and fears, and surround her with positivity and gratitude and the wealth of family and friends in this time of need, maybe we’ll all realize that we all make mistakes. 

We’re not all perfect, nor will we ever be… but maybe those quick to judge will eventually realize that two positives can come out of one negative. 

There is a reason, always.

It all started two and a half weeks ago. 

When Chris and I get home from work, Duke is happy as a clam.  He welcomes us at the door, tail wagging, he’s crying/whimpering, likes to jump up, pounces at us, runs around, and we promptly go outside so he can go potty.  (We live in a town home and he’s pretty much a cat stuck in a dogs body; seriously.  He’s not a super crazy energetic dog like most German Shepherds, or like my parents two dogs, Rex and Jack.)  So 2.5 weeks ago when Chris got home, he let Duke out, Chris walked to get the mail and when he turned around to walk back, Duke looked at him, and thought Chris pounced at him to antagonize him so Duke took off, leaped off the snow bank onto the blacktop driveway that was snow covered/kind of slick.  He was running like the dogs in this video below.

 German Shepherds Running (This is not my video, just someone off YouTube!)

Anyway, he landed on the blacktop and went to turn real fast and run back at Chris (they were playing!) and ended up hurting his back left leg.  He didn’t yelp, he just stopped what he was doing and we went inside.  It’d be compared to us rolling our ankle and it hurts like hell most of the time.  However, his back leg didn’t start bothering him until the next night when he’d try to get up from laying down and when he tried to go up stairs, on the couch or on the bed.  He couldn’t do it, which definitely wasn’t normal for him since he could do all of those things the night prior.  Clearly it was something related to the slipping outside that Monday night.  We figured we’d give it 5-7 days and if it didn’t get better, we’d bring him in to the vet.  Well, apparently it was bothering him… he wasn’t himself, he whimpered when he had to use that foot for getting up.  (Side Note:  Once he was up and walking, he was fine… he could play with his ball, walk normally, it was just when he had to bend it from getting up/sitting/etc.  We knew it wasn’t broken and it had to be muscle related.)  He had to go to the vet anyway for his yearly shots so a week later, I made an appointment.  We got him in the next night, the vet felt everything, seemed to be his back left hock that was causing a problem and he gave us 5 days of anti-inflammatory medication and said to come back if it wasn’t better in 5-6 days.  His last full day of pills were this past weekend on Saturday.  We had one pill left and we were going to see how he was on Sunday.  Well, Sunday he was okay, we thought he was doing fine… then Monday rolled around, and he was right back to square one.  In pain like he was prior to starting the anti-inflammatory meds; so we gave him his one last pain pill and that seemed to help.   Looking back, he probably wasn’t in pain or showing the signs on Sunday like he did on Monday because on Sunday he still had meds left in his system.  Tuesday, yesterday, the vet called to check on Duke and see how he was doing and I told him Chris and I were looking at him and were concerned that now his front joints were swollen and painful; and we were concerned about his jaw bones and him yawning. 

Red Flag.

The vet was immediately concerned about his symptoms and he said he didn’t mean to scare us but that he is very concerned about Duke and his symptoms and past few weeks and he wants to see Duke to make sure we’re not dealing with an Autoimmune disorder.

Autoimmune?

What about arthritis?  Or, something minor like pulled muscles or Panosteitis or… you know, something other than AUTOIMMUNE. 

I tried to stay calm and think about his other symptoms… how everything had transpired over the past few weeks and why the vet was concerned.  He didn’t like the joints that we thought were affected and his jaw.  He didn’t like how it was hard for Duke to use his back end to get up; that’s a huge sign of a problem, especially for GSDs and their common history of hip problems and lower back issues.

Of course, I played Dr. Google with everything and being that German Shepherds are so susceptible to certain autoimmune disorders one of them being Degenerative Myelopathyand I immediately freaked… I read through the symptoms and this was similar to what he was experiencing. 

I’m freaking out this much over a dog, how will it be with a child?  Duke IS our child, he’s our baby… we TREAT him like he’s HUMAN!  People would think we were CRAZY.  But, he’s our baby and don’t worry.. if you’re one of those people that get fiesty over the “I’m freaking out this much over a dog, how will it be with a child?” …don’t worry, he IS a child, but he is also a dog, and quite frankly you can’t compare a child with two legs to a child with four legs.  I’d put my whole life savings into a human being child of our own if I had to, but a dog is a little different, unfortunately. 

Anyway, we brought him back to the vet last night… I had done some more research and was feeling a little bit better at the whole situation.  I read that DM doesn’t come on suddenly and all of Duke‘s symptoms did after he slipped.  Long story short, we had a different vet at that office and after thoroughly looking over him, pulling, stretching, pushing, pinching, moving, holding, pressure, etc on everything, it was all perfectly strong and healthy and no pain except for that back left hock.  His front joints weren’t swollen like we thought, and he jaw wasn’t a concern… we were likely just getting paranoid.  She also said he doesn’t have any arthritis or anything like that; sure it’s common in GSDs but this is solely related to the one joint due to the trauma/injury those two weeks ago.

Two weeks of anti-inflammatory medications and absolutely zero exercise to heal this tendon up.  The vet is very very hopeful that this is what it is; she’s not concerned about autoimmune disorders like the vet was when I talked on the phone.  She said she could see why he (the vet that I talked to on the phone) was concerned at the time, but after seeing Duke, she said she’s very confident that the two weeks of full rest will take care of it.  No running, no stairs, no jumping, nothing… and, I won’t complain when we have to carry him up the stairs for the next two weeks, or help him… if that means it will get him better, I’ll do whatever it takes especially knowing now that we’re not dealing with an autoimmune disorder.

So, for now… I can breath a huge sigh of relief and watch him lay on the couch knowing that God willing will be around for another 5+ years.   

After all, he IS only 3 and a half… he’s just a baby yet!  And, besides, he promised us he is going to live FOREVER!

**Photos Courtesy of Modern Life Pets {http://www.modernlifepets.com}**