A friend of mine recently gave birth to twin girls… they were 10 weeks early but are home and healthy and truly ARE something to be celebrated about. 

You see, it didn’t happen the traditional way… she didn’t have fertility problems that resulted in twins… it was a “surprise” pregnancy that just happened to be twins and well… long story that doesn’t need to be gotten into here… but I’ll say this… it was unfortunate and pretty much the worst possible thing that could happen with any relationship fling and/or marriage, etc.  

I’m sorry I’m so cryptic with the details, but it’s not my place or time to tell her story. 

My point is this… The girls were born in December, but I didn’t find out until two days ago when by accident some professional pictures were posted on Facebook by the photographer and the photographer tagged my friend in the pictures; thus word got out.  The reason why I hadn’t found out until just two days ago was because the people she thought would support her, haven’t, thus she’s been afraid to tell anyone else because she truly wanted to save any dignity ANYONE had left in her.  She has been ridiculed, degraded, belittled, judged beyond measure, mentally torn apart more than anyone should.  You’re probably asking, so you haven’t seen her in how many months to not know she was pregnant?  Well, we talked via internet, I knew she was going through some hard times, but never did I expect that she was pregnant.  We live about 2 hours away from each other and our schedules just never have matched up to the point where we can get together as often as we’d like.  I met her through another friend, Andrea and we got to be better friends in early 2008… she was my personal attendant in 9/08 for my wedding and I was a personal attendant in 9/09 for  her wedding.  I consider her and Andrea some of my very best friends; they’re the ones where you may not see for a while, but you can pick up where you left off and you talk via email/text, etc and it’s fine. 

Kinda like a triangle… 3 points… the 3 of us, we all hold each other up when needed. 

So, to say I was shocked when I found out was an understatement that she was now a momma to not only one baby, but TWO!  When I found out, I could have judged her, I could have mentally torn her apart, I could have shoved her to the ground and stomped all over her… but, immediately… I felt compassion and sadness FOR HER. 

She’s a good person, a very good person.  She has a huge heart.  She’s appreciative.  She’s a hard worker.  She strives for the best.  She goes above and beyond to make people feel good.  She’s quick to help when needed.  She will take that extra step for you, when you can’t.

And when she is the one going through hard times, you’d think because she’s always been so good at helping OTHERS that the important people in her life would stand up FOR HER and return the favor.  It hasn’t been that way in the slightest… there are a few other people in her life that may not agree with what she did, BUT they are still there for her and are able to look past the negativity that surrounds the situation and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I told her in a text message, “This is your chance to start over.  You can make this life perfect for those girls.  There will be many bumps in the road.  There will be people that tear you apart so bad, you feel like you’re reliving the nightmare endlessly.  Please look past those people, stand up for yourself and fight with everything you’ve got.  You have just been blessed with two beautiful girls; things didn’t plan out like they should have, and it’s quite often we have to stop and look wayyyy far out there and truly try to find the reason why things like this happen and why things are given to us when they shouldn’t.  Deep inside the hurt and pain, you have been blessed.  You are a mom now, you have something to live for.  Something amazing.”

And, then I sent another message, “I may not have a clue on how to even comprehend all of this, and I don’t know the whole situation so this the last thing I’m going to say until we talk again… I won’t lie… I’m hurt, I’m pissed off, I’m confused… BUT, I’m still here.  If you need me, I’m here.  I still care about you, I still value the person you are, and I still want to be there to help you if I can.”

After all, who am I to judge?  Until I’ve been right where she is, I can’t say anything but TRY to understand.  It bothers me that so many can be so judgemental; having family and friends that should have supported her, haven’t… the people she deeply cares about, have either criticized her and/or turned their backs… she feels alone.

Regardless of how these two beautiful girls came in to the picture, they are STILL human beings, they STILL deserve to be loved unconditionally, and they STILL are a blessing.  Some wouldn’t agree that this was a blessing, but you have to look through the clouds and find the real reason why she was given two beautiful babies right now.  Somewhere, somehow, someone knew she needed this… and the people that are judging her right now may not see the silver lining or any positivity in the situation… but they will.  Someday, they will…

It won’t always be easy… there will be bumps in the road, big ones… people will continue to judge… lives have been changed drastically, but I still feel that she has been blessed beyond measure with two new lives in this world.  We can’t continue to focus on the negative when it’s not going to change anything.  If we stand up and support her and try to understand her thoughts, feelings and fears, and surround her with positivity and gratitude and the wealth of family and friends in this time of need, maybe we’ll all realize that we all make mistakes. 

We’re not all perfect, nor will we ever be… but maybe those quick to judge will eventually realize that two positives can come out of one negative. 

There is a reason, always.

It all started two and a half weeks ago. 

When Chris and I get home from work, Duke is happy as a clam.  He welcomes us at the door, tail wagging, he’s crying/whimpering, likes to jump up, pounces at us, runs around, and we promptly go outside so he can go potty.  (We live in a town home and he’s pretty much a cat stuck in a dogs body; seriously.  He’s not a super crazy energetic dog like most German Shepherds, or like my parents two dogs, Rex and Jack.)  So 2.5 weeks ago when Chris got home, he let Duke out, Chris walked to get the mail and when he turned around to walk back, Duke looked at him, and thought Chris pounced at him to antagonize him so Duke took off, leaped off the snow bank onto the blacktop driveway that was snow covered/kind of slick.  He was running like the dogs in this video below.

 German Shepherds Running (This is not my video, just someone off YouTube!)

Anyway, he landed on the blacktop and went to turn real fast and run back at Chris (they were playing!) and ended up hurting his back left leg.  He didn’t yelp, he just stopped what he was doing and we went inside.  It’d be compared to us rolling our ankle and it hurts like hell most of the time.  However, his back leg didn’t start bothering him until the next night when he’d try to get up from laying down and when he tried to go up stairs, on the couch or on the bed.  He couldn’t do it, which definitely wasn’t normal for him since he could do all of those things the night prior.  Clearly it was something related to the slipping outside that Monday night.  We figured we’d give it 5-7 days and if it didn’t get better, we’d bring him in to the vet.  Well, apparently it was bothering him… he wasn’t himself, he whimpered when he had to use that foot for getting up.  (Side Note:  Once he was up and walking, he was fine… he could play with his ball, walk normally, it was just when he had to bend it from getting up/sitting/etc.  We knew it wasn’t broken and it had to be muscle related.)  He had to go to the vet anyway for his yearly shots so a week later, I made an appointment.  We got him in the next night, the vet felt everything, seemed to be his back left hock that was causing a problem and he gave us 5 days of anti-inflammatory medication and said to come back if it wasn’t better in 5-6 days.  His last full day of pills were this past weekend on Saturday.  We had one pill left and we were going to see how he was on Sunday.  Well, Sunday he was okay, we thought he was doing fine… then Monday rolled around, and he was right back to square one.  In pain like he was prior to starting the anti-inflammatory meds; so we gave him his one last pain pill and that seemed to help.   Looking back, he probably wasn’t in pain or showing the signs on Sunday like he did on Monday because on Sunday he still had meds left in his system.  Tuesday, yesterday, the vet called to check on Duke and see how he was doing and I told him Chris and I were looking at him and were concerned that now his front joints were swollen and painful; and we were concerned about his jaw bones and him yawning. 

Red Flag.

The vet was immediately concerned about his symptoms and he said he didn’t mean to scare us but that he is very concerned about Duke and his symptoms and past few weeks and he wants to see Duke to make sure we’re not dealing with an Autoimmune disorder.

Autoimmune?

What about arthritis?  Or, something minor like pulled muscles or Panosteitis or… you know, something other than AUTOIMMUNE. 

I tried to stay calm and think about his other symptoms… how everything had transpired over the past few weeks and why the vet was concerned.  He didn’t like the joints that we thought were affected and his jaw.  He didn’t like how it was hard for Duke to use his back end to get up; that’s a huge sign of a problem, especially for GSDs and their common history of hip problems and lower back issues.

Of course, I played Dr. Google with everything and being that German Shepherds are so susceptible to certain autoimmune disorders one of them being Degenerative Myelopathyand I immediately freaked… I read through the symptoms and this was similar to what he was experiencing. 

I’m freaking out this much over a dog, how will it be with a child?  Duke IS our child, he’s our baby… we TREAT him like he’s HUMAN!  People would think we were CRAZY.  But, he’s our baby and don’t worry.. if you’re one of those people that get fiesty over the “I’m freaking out this much over a dog, how will it be with a child?” …don’t worry, he IS a child, but he is also a dog, and quite frankly you can’t compare a child with two legs to a child with four legs.  I’d put my whole life savings into a human being child of our own if I had to, but a dog is a little different, unfortunately. 

Anyway, we brought him back to the vet last night… I had done some more research and was feeling a little bit better at the whole situation.  I read that DM doesn’t come on suddenly and all of Duke‘s symptoms did after he slipped.  Long story short, we had a different vet at that office and after thoroughly looking over him, pulling, stretching, pushing, pinching, moving, holding, pressure, etc on everything, it was all perfectly strong and healthy and no pain except for that back left hock.  His front joints weren’t swollen like we thought, and he jaw wasn’t a concern… we were likely just getting paranoid.  She also said he doesn’t have any arthritis or anything like that; sure it’s common in GSDs but this is solely related to the one joint due to the trauma/injury those two weeks ago.

Two weeks of anti-inflammatory medications and absolutely zero exercise to heal this tendon up.  The vet is very very hopeful that this is what it is; she’s not concerned about autoimmune disorders like the vet was when I talked on the phone.  She said she could see why he (the vet that I talked to on the phone) was concerned at the time, but after seeing Duke, she said she’s very confident that the two weeks of full rest will take care of it.  No running, no stairs, no jumping, nothing… and, I won’t complain when we have to carry him up the stairs for the next two weeks, or help him… if that means it will get him better, I’ll do whatever it takes especially knowing now that we’re not dealing with an autoimmune disorder.

So, for now… I can breath a huge sigh of relief and watch him lay on the couch knowing that God willing will be around for another 5+ years.   

After all, he IS only 3 and a half… he’s just a baby yet!  And, besides, he promised us he is going to live FOREVER!

**Photos Courtesy of Modern Life Pets {http://www.modernlifepets.com}**

I currently have over 1000 items unread in my Google reader. I cannot keep up with all the blogs that I would like to read. It gets to be overwhelming and I end up just clicking the “mark all as read” button more than I choose simply because I tell myself, start fresh! But the thing is… that start fresh never happens and I always end up right back to square one, right here where I am. Click on the picture to make it bigger, but I’m pretty sure you can see the sweet little “All Items (1000+)” in bold.

I just cannot keep up!! SO, because of that, I can’t help but clean it up… I just have to. I just don’t know where to start. I guess, with Google reader we can see reports and when and how often some people update and weed them out that way, but WHAT IF I MISS SOMETHING!!! What if I really want to keep reading them and then I accidentally deleted them? Is it the guilt I’m having trouble with? I don’t know, but it’s something… yeah, probably guilt. I always feel guilty for stuff like this.

But, really… how many of these people have me in their feed reader, really? I know how many subscribers I have, but I don’t know who they are… and that’s okay… I mean, sure, hai! Please subscribe! I won’t twist your arm to do so though… because quite frankly, I need to update more. That’s my own damn fault!

I think the main problem I feel is overwhelmed… overwhelmed with so many blogs to read, and so little time. I get inspired by reading other people and when I don’t have that option to read the ones I really want to read, I don’t get inspired, thus I don’t end up writing on my OWN blog. Weird vicious cycle, huh? AND, my other problem? The more blogs I feel I have to read, the less likely I am to comment… and I need to comment more. If I want comments on MY blog, I need to comment on YOUR blog, fair trade, right? I say so! So, I better get moving on that, too.

For now though, I need to clean house… I need to weed out the ones that haven’t updated in a few months, ones that I don’t read anymore, or haven’t read for a long time… and I just need to do it and be done with it and quit feeling guilty. If anything, I should feel guilty about NOT posting AT ALL or COMMENTING on your blogs, right? THAT is something to feel guilty about, not this subscribing/messy reader business.

And, for the record, just because you don’t see your name in the left column, doesn’t mean you’re not in there. I have a ton more, as you can see with the scroll bar, and it starts out at A again a ways down. I don’t know why I need to validate that, but rest assured, if you’re reading this chances are you’re in there. And, if you want to make sure you are, leave a comment with a link back to your blog and I’ll make sure you’re added, because if you read me… I want to read you!

So, how do you separate your reader? Do you group people up differently? How? I’m just flustered with this… I’ll have to work at it over the next couple days. But if you have any pointers, let me know… I’ll gladly take them!!

“OUR DOUBTS ARE TRAITORS, / AND        
MAKE US LOSE THE GOOD WE OFT        
MIGHT WIN / BY FEARING TO ATTEMPT …”    
// FROM Measure for Measure            
BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE            

“DOUBT IS HUMBLE AND THAT IS WHAT
MAN NEEDS TO BE, CONSIDERING THAT
HUMAN HISTORY IS JUST A LITANY OF
GETTING SHIT DEAD WRONG.”
// BILL MAHER, Religulous

RESEARCH INDICATES THAT MORE THAN 40% OF BRIDES HAVE WEDDING ANXIETY. INTERESTINGLY, THE TERM “COLD FEET” ORIGINALLY MEANT “WITHOUT MEANS OR RESOURCES,” REFERRING TO A 1605 PLAY WHERE A CHARACTER WAS TOO POOR TO BUY SHOES. TODAY, THE TERM HAS EVOLVED TO MEAN “ANXIETY AND UNCERTAINTY ABOUT AN UNDERTAKING TO
THE POINT OF WITHDRAWING.”  SOURCE: ASSOCIATED CONTENT

THE CERTAINTY EFFECT (OR ALLAIS PARADOX) IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT UTILITY THEORIES IN THE BEHAVIORAL AND SOCIAL SCIENCES. IT HOLDS THAT, GIVEN TWO OPTIONS, PEOPLE TEND TO SELECT THE SAFER CHOICE – THE ONE WITH A HIGHER CERTAINTY OF A GOOD OUTCOME – EVEN THOUGH THE OTHER MAY BE MORE REWARDING. SOURCE:  Econometrica

I purchased a book written by Rainn Wilson and several other co-authors. It’s titled SoulPancake: Chew on Life’s Big Questions and it truly makes you wonder about those things that you don’t always think about. One of the topics I read this morning was what I am writing about today.

 

Do you have to experience doubt before you can reach certainty?
   :: Is there anything that should never be questioned?
   :: Why is it so hard to have faith?
   :: What can we learn from other people’s doubts?

::: ::: ::: ::: ::: ::: ::: ::: ::: ::: ::: ::: ::: ::: ::: :::

Is there anything that should never be questioned?
You know, I guess yeah, sure… we are allowed to question what happens in our lives and we can ask ourselves why things happen to us that we don’t understand. Realistically, will we ever get the answer we’re looking for? Will anyone truly be able to take away your questions about something? Why did this happen to me? Why did you have to drive there today? Why did I have to pick up the phone? Why did I wear these jeans today? Why didn’t I say one more I love you? Why didn’t I wake up 10 minutes earlier? Why isn’t he/she answering their phone?

Would any answer suffice? Why did this happen to me? If someone gave you a long explanation of why something happened to you, would you be content with their answer? Maybe, maybe not… but you ultimately have to be the one that answers why. No one will be able to tell you exactly what you want to hear… that’s just plain and simple and we all have to realize that. We can question why things happen to us, but ultimately the questioning has to stop after a certain point and you have to embrace what has happened to you and turn it into a blessing. Change your thought process just a little bit and try to understand why it happened to you. What did God (or a higher power) want you to know about yourself? What does he want you to learn from this? What can you do to help others and ensure the same thing doesn’t happen to them? What are the positives in a negative situation? I know, I know, we don’t always agree that there are positives in a negative situation, but …there are positives to ANY negatives and YOU have the choice to look at the situation that way. If you consistently question the past, what you did, what they did, why they drove that way, why so and so didn’t call you this morning, why I wore these jeans today…you’re going to wear yourself right down to the ground.

Take those things that you are questioning and write them down somewhere. List them out in question format and re-read them and instead of automatically thinking WHY in a negative sense, think WHY in a positive sense. Slowly with time, writing out the positives to any situation will not only change your view of the question, but it will help others too.

I don’t know about you but if I spent my entire life asking WHY in a negative way, I’d drive myself right off the deep end.

Remember… two negatives equal a positive.

Why is it so hard to have faith?
For some people, having faith just doesn’t come easy. They don’t believe that anything can change, nor do they believe that having faith will help them. They don’t understand the meanings of faith like those who believe in it do. I will tell you this… if I didn’t have faith in certain situations, I would be locked up in a 6′ x 6′ padded cell pulling my hair out. You HAVE to have faith in a situation that is out of your control. Having faith helps you let go… it helps you at least try to understand that question…why?

“I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthews 17:20

I know it probably sounds corny, but like they always say… “Let go and Let God.” The emotional release that stems from that simple little quote can mean so so very much. It’s a mental release… if there is a will there is a way. If you have trouble finding faith in any situation, just stop… ask yourself what can go wrong, and out of the questions that could go wrong, ask yourself what you can do to fix them. What will go wrong? Can you stop it before it happens? Is it out of your control? Do you have a choice in the way it goes? Can you focus on having faith that it will all work out because it HAS to, or can you consistently just throw in the towel over and over again and always expect the worst in every situation.

You have a choice to be negative and always dwell on the past or the future or you can take control of what you can control and have faith that everything will work out in the end.

Your life is up to you… remember that.

What can we learn from other people’s doubts?
This one kind of makes me laugh. When people doubt me, I want to throw it back in their face all the more. Who are they to tell me that I can’t do something? If they haven’t gone through a situation, who are they to tell me it won’t work out the way I envision it? Like I said, YOU have a choice to live your life the way you want… if you want to let someone constantly throw negative jabs at you and let you think you’re not worth it or they’ll tell you that you’re not successful or that you just ruined your life over something… don’t listen to them! Take the negative jabs that they’ve just spewed at you and turn it around and blow it in their face. SHOW THEM that you are better than that; SHOW THEM that you aren’t that kind of person that they have just envisioned. YOU are better than that… and YOU have the choice to take their doubts and completely turn them around. Don’t turn them around FOR THEM but turn them around FOR YOURSELF.

If someone has doubt about you or a situation you’re in… then they don’t believe that you’re capable of whatever it is that’s happening. They don’t believe you can do it… and if anything, when they throw those negatives at you, THANK THEM! THANK THEM for letting you know that you’re not putting your true self out there… THANK THEM for giving you a heads up that you’re not standing up for yourself enough… THANK THEM for helping you put yourself first… THANK THEM for giving you the opportunity to open your eyes and realize how you can give yourself the credit you deserve. There are SO many positive things you can do when someone thinks so negatively about you or a situation you’re in. Think of the pleasure that people get when they tell you how worthless you are and how stupid you’re acting or how much of a mistake you just made? Think about it. What are they telling you? Do they have the right to tell you you’re worthless or stupid or made a bad choice? NO! Sure, they can think that, but WHY let it get to you? Take those negative thoughts and RUN WITH IT. Show yourself that you’re better than that because clearly they think they’re kicking you while you’re down, per say.

Stand up for yourself and SHOW THEM that you’re better than that. Don’t let someone’s doubts control your life; who are they to criticize?

So… the question… do you have to reach doubt before you can reach certainty? Absolutely!

“A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her.” –David Brinkley

“Other people’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality.” –Les Brown

“I’ve spent most of my life walking under that hovering cloud, jealousy, whose acid raindrops blurred my vision and burned holes in my heart.  Once I learned to use the umbrella of confidence, the skies cleared up for me and the sunshine called joy became my faithful companion.”  -Astrid Alauda

Stay well. Have courage. Believe in Yourself.

Good Grief. How on earth did we fly through 2010? I guess it’s just part of that thing called life. Fly by the seat of your pants… fake it til you make it sort of deal. Just hard to believe it’s already here and gone, seems like yesterday we were bringing in the new year from 2009.

Not a ton of new stuff going on, nothing too exciting. I guess, maybe I’ll just do a 2010 meme like everyone else. Here goes…

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before? 
Well, I guess it’d have to be that we bought our first home… went through the mortgage process for the first time and hopefully won’t have to do that again for a while. Good Lord that’s some nerve wracking stuff… how on God’s green earth do people constantly buy and sell their home? I suppose, it gets easier with experience, but geez… stressful. Every damn house we wanted was either a) in a bidding war with 52 other people, b) sold that morning or c) it was a short sale that could have taken years to get approved. Either way, it was our first experience and over all took about 2 months from start to finish, which I guess I can’t complain compared to some others.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?
You know, I’m not sure if I made any last year. I’m sure it was to get healthy and save money… pretty much the same every year and Lord knows if I’ll keep it. Only time will tell, but 9 times out of 10 I throw in the towel by about week 2 like the majority of others.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I’m aware! I take that back, a few of my first cousins had their second babies and Becca is pregnant and due in July, so those count I think!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Ugh, yes… long story, but we lost my 19 year old first cousin to a tragic accident in Colorado on December 7^th – it will be a month on Friday since his passing. This is a post for another day, but it was a horrible ordeal… thank God we have a close strong, large family.

5. What countries did you visit?
None! I stayed in my little cluster of USA. I did travel to NYC though for BlogHer in August, but other than that I just traveled between Minnesota and Wisconsin.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Well, I would love to get pregnant this year… and lose maybe 10 to 15 pounds (or maybe 50 to 75 pounds, haha!)… I’d like to continue to pay off our debt… build up a savings account… finish my LOMA’s for work…

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory and why? 
That’s a good question, but for now I’d have to say April 23^rd, the day we closed on our first home. It wasn’t what I expected… you know, like My First Place on TLC or House Hunters, etc, but it was good and something exciting. December 7^th will also be a date I remember from 2010 simply because of the death of my cousin.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? 
Well, as I said about our first home purchase… and we did it without a co-signer. I also went back to school for what I’m passionate about and I love every minute of it. And, we finally got family pictures taken! It was a blast!

9. What was your biggest failure?
I’d have to say not getting my LOMA’s done for work like I had originally planned… and I also gained back all the weight that I got off in spring 2009. I kind of let my body go to hell and that kind of sucks a few big ones.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not really… nothing like surgery or extra things happening in that category. Pretty much the same… although I do have Carpal Tunnel, but that’s nothing but a nuisance that I try not to give the time of day.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Oh boy… that’s an easy one… I bought a Canon Rebel T2i in mid-December! It came with the 18-55mm lens and then I also bought the starter kit. Absolutely in love with it… cannot tell you the amazing-ness that is the camera. Simply amazing! Here are a few pictures from the past few weeks and over the holiday’s.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? 
Behavior? I’m not sure… I did celebrate Becca and her husband Brian’s wedding in September though.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? 
Not anyone I can think of in particular… I try my damndest to not let others attitudes and behaviors make me upset or depressed, if I can help it.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Oh God, probably… Amazon for books and books and more books… QuiBids for lots of stuff… uhm, iPhone applications… online shopping in general, yes. I think if Chris sees another box at the door at night he’s going to throw me out!! Oopsies! Oh, and my camera for sure.

15. What did you really, really, really get excited about?
My Camera… and buying stuff for our house!

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
I’d have to say anything by Lady Antebellum… Hello World.

17. Compared to this time last year are you:
Happier? Pretty Happy, yes.
Thinner? Bahaha, NO! DEFINITELY! Not! thinner!
Richer? Hahahahahahahah POORER. I became more obsessed with online shopping… to say the LEAST!!!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? 
Uh, exercise? Ate healthy? Saved money?

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Spending Money… eating… drinking pop…

20. How did you spend Christmas?
This year for Christmas Eve we spent it as we usually do, with Chris‘ family at his parent’s house… and Christmas day we traveled to my parents and then celebrated with my dad’s side of the family. January 1^st was my mom’s side of the family, but I couldn’t make it… I got stupid pink eye!

21. How will you be spending new years?
We spent New Year’s at home… cozy on my couch. Nothing extravagant, that’s for sure.

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
Nope… maybe with my shopping obsession but that’s it, I still love Chris though… lucky bastard.

23. How many one-night stands?
Ick-schnay on the one-nighters… I don’t think married people are supposed to do those so I didn’t…

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Hmm… I loved quite a few shows, but didn’t really watch a whole lot. Chris is obsessed with Family Guy, so that was on more often than not in 2010… I loved Two and a half men as well, House Hunters and House Hunters International, anything on TLC or Discovery Channel… Uhm… I don’t know, maybe a few others on normal TV. It varies I guess… I miss my DVR. Geez.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No! Hate is a pretty strong word… maybe drive me crazy, but Hate… No!

26. What was the best book you read?
Oh Boy. I’ve read a lot of books this year… well, none from start to finish, but lots of reading has been done either way. Someday I’ll go through all the books that I’ve been reading… but not right now!

27. What was your biggest musical discovery? 
I haven’t really been finding new musical stuff as of late… pretty much the same as last year… love how artists like Josh Groban can relax me at a drop of a hat.

28. What did you want and you got?
I don’t know? Well, my camera and my house… I guess? I’m thankful for them regardless!

29. What did you want and not get?
A baby! Someday, we have to start trying first to get one though I suppose. Haha!

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I haven’t really been to any new movies in the last year… to be honest.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old did you turn?
I didn’t do anything special for my birthday… I did go to the neighbors across the street for dinner with our neighbors right next door… and then Becca and Brian took me for lunch and games at Dave & Buster’s! That was a blast!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 
If I would have gotten pregnant… but, like I said in my answer to question 29… have to start trying to get one. Dammit all… why can’t I snap my fingers and wam bam thankyou mam be pregnant?

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Meh… nothing crazy… pretty much the same as 2009. My mom is the fashion queen… not me!

34. What kept you sane?
Music! Inspirational books! Writing! Picture taking!

35. Which celebrity did you fancy the most?
I have absolutely no idea… well, he’s not really a celebrity, wait…I guess he is… I’d get in Jared Allen’s pants ANY day! Oh Baby! Just google his name in Images… scrum-diddily-umptious!

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I really try not to get my undies in a bundle about a lot of that stuff.

37. Who did you miss?
Hmm… I’m not sure? I miss a lot of people, most of the time. I honestly couldn’t put a finger on one person specifically… it’s many people, especially now that we’ve moved 2 hours away from my parents/family. I still talk to everyone though often, and I see them quite a bit still…so it hasn’t been that crazy.

38. Who was the best new person you met? 
I’d have to say Hannah banana who will be TWO on Sunday!! Also, Becca & Brian… and Matt & Nikki our neighbors (Hannah’s parents)…

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010: 
Deep breath… one foot in front of the other… don’t let things you cannot control eat away at you… and if you’re feeling upset about something, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! YOU are in control of your life and only YOU can set the boundaries and lead the way!

40. Quote or Song Lyric that sums up your year:
All the lonely people cryin’… it could change if we just get started… left the darkness light of fire, for the silent and the broken hearted. Won’t you stand up, stand up, stand up, won’t you stand up, you girls and boys. Won’t you stand up, stand up, stand up, stand up, and use your voice. There’s a comfort, there’s a healing, high above the pain and sorrow, change is coming, can you feel it? Callin’ us into a new tomorrow, won’t you stand up, stand up, stand up, won’t you stand up, you girls and boys, won’t you stand up, stand up, stand up, and won’t you stand up, and use your voice?

When the walls fall all around you, when you’re hope has turned to dust. Let the sound of love surround you, beat like a heart in each of us. Won’t you stand up, stand up, stand up, stand up. Won’t you stand up you girls and boys? Won’t you stand up, stand up, stand up, won’t you stand up and use your voice? Won’t you stand up, stand up, stand up… you girls and boys… won’t you stand you and use your voice?
Stand Up by Sugarland

Here’s to a happy, healthy, loving 2011.  Love you all!

Yesterday, Chris, Duke and I ventured to the Wayzata Beach in Wayzata, MN to get our Christmas pictures done.  This was something I hadn’t put a whole lot of thought into, more of a last minute thing and I googled for a pet/family photographer and low and behold found Modern Life Pets out of Minnetonka, MN.  I looked into her portfolio and it didn’t take long for me to fall in love with her work.  I emailed her and we set a date for yesterday and that was that!  We had such a great time and although it was windy, it wasn’t enough to stop us!  It made for such fun pictures, wind blown hair, the sun was shining and Duke was perfectly content with his tennis ball and a place to run like a crazy man.  Like I said, our appointment was yesterday afternoon and this morning when I got into work, I thought I’d check out MLP’s blog that Amber usually updates her photo shoots on with a little sneak peak and I was extremely surprised to see our session up already!! 

So, here is a sneak peak…   I will get more of them this next week or so.  I cannot tell you enough good things about Amber and Modern Life Pets.  She also does photography with her husband Matt at Modern Life Photo which includes Seniors and Weddings, and with the Modern Life Pets side of things she does People & their pets and Pets. 

**Click on the pictures to enlarge!**  

Here is a link to her blog post from yesterday too!    Amber, if you read this… THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!

So, what’s new?  I guess …uh, that’s the question today.  I realize I haven’t written in a few weeks, and I apologize for that because I really did want to get back here sooner than later.  Either way, here I am…

I haven’t really elaborated on it, but as you may or may not know, I went back to school this fall… October 4th was my first day and I’m half way over with the term.  I can’t believe how fast it’s gone.  I’ve really enjoyed it though, and so far I’m maintaining an A in all of my classes.  I am quite thrilled about this for the simple fact that I was DEFINITELY not an A student in high school.  Funny how things change.  *deer in headlights look*

I’m taking 3 classes currently… they are fairly simple, but still challenging at times.  Oh, and this is an online program through Rasmussen College which I cannot say enough good things about.  I was a little apprehensive of online just because I know how I’ve been in the past… would I have the dedication?  would I have the motivation to keep going?  would I need to be in class physically to stay engaged?  I’m pleased with the outcome to say the least.  I cannot say enough good thoughts about being online… especially since I work full time outside of the home.  It’s hard stuff if you’re at work 9 hours every day Monday thru Friday, plus commute time which is about 2.5 hours a day…. the time I’m physically away from home Monday thru Friday is about 60 hours… which, if we get nerdy and calculate it down…

24 hours in a day…
(minus) 7 hours of sleep per day…
(equals) 17 hours left over per day…
(minus) 11.5 hours of commute/work per day…
…leaving me with 5.5 hours left over every week day…

5.5 hours left in a week day, isn’t bad… it’s about ideal, however, that doesn’t include anything like household chores like laundry, general cleaning, supper making, etc.  So, if I had to add in there every night a few hours of school time, I think I’d lose my mind.  Having the ability to go to school online has been a huge blessing.  There isn’t any of that going to work, then school, then home… it’s work to home and I can study and do all my school work there.  It’s been amazing!  And Inspiring!

One being Foundations of English II which is a pre-requisite to any normal english classes… because well, let’s face it, I have a hard time with the general english stuff.  I don’t have a problem with the writing, but I can’t get the grammar thing down.  That class right now has my lowest grade out of the three I’m taking.  I surprise myself every day though at my scores and testing… I had to submit a skills test last night, worth 30 points and I thought for SURE I was going to do poorly on it… I have a hard time figuring out fragments, phrases, independent vs dependent clauses, etc… and out of the 15 questions, the first 10 were multiple choice and I got the answer back right away… 10 out of 10!  And, when my instructor graded the last five, which were five points a piece, I got 2 points docked off of one… so for a total I got 28 out of 30.  28 out of 30 on an assignment that I thought I would for sure do poorly on.  I guess, I just have to give myself more credit… but it’s inspiring to keep going, keep wanting to do well…

Anyway, that’s pretty much my life in a nutshell right now… working, commuting, and school, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

::::::  This post is part of the 30 Days of Truth Series – Click here to read prior days ::::::

The one topic/thing I’m going to use is about my school years, elementary through high school and even beyond, to current.  I guess it’s one thing that’s affected me all of my life and that’s my body.  I wrote a post with a letter to my body in March 2008, feel free to read it here.

Day 3: Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For

As I said, it has to deal with my body… but I don’t have to forgive my body, I have to forgive myself for the way I’ve treated my body.

In elementary school, I was always the “fat girl” and often times I’d hear things like fatty or fatso.  I’ll never forget the first day of 4th grade when I came home crying because someone pushed my head into the drinking fountain spout when I was getting a drink of water.  The spout thing hit my cheek bone and I cried and cried.  I remember going to school that day, I had a red and blue jumpsuit type outfit, it was shorts and a t-shirt, matching of course with red or blue flat shoes.  I felt cute that day, I remember liking what I was wearing and then it all went down hill after the drinking fountain episode.  I never felt included in any activities, sure I had friends, but they were only friends and nice when it was convenient for them.  I couldn’t be “in their club” or I couldn’t hang out with them because “I was fat” and they didn’t like fat girls for friends.  Elementary school was really, I’d have to say one of the worst times in my school years.  Every year, Kindergarten through 5th grade I felt not included, not proud, felt like I didn’t have friends that mattered, or that best friend and most of all, everyone seemed to have boyfriends and why didn’t anyone like me? I had crushes on boys, but when I’d tell my “friends” this, they’d go tell so and so and then someone would make a big deal out of it and I’d get thrown right back down into the dump.  I couldn’t play hopscotch with those said friends because apparently they thought I wouldn’t be a good person to play with; I was always last chosen for kickball when students would pick teams.

It sucked, and I’m terrified of the time when my kids have to go to school and God for bid they have to deal with the things I dealt with.  I know it’s everywhere, I know this is just part of elementary school and kids being bullies, but have you read about all the bully stuff going on now days?  School is a place where children should feel protected, confident, reassured, and welcome no matter what.  Personally I don’t think teachers or principals pay enough attention or take it as serious as they should.  If you were the cool kid in school, chances are you weren’t getting bullied or made fun of; but maybe so, and I know fat kids weren’t the only ones getting bullied either.  It could be because you’re too skinny, too smart, too cute, dressed greatly, too “stupid” (as they’d say) and the list goes on and on.  My point entirely is just that me being bullied and teased the way I was in high school, MADE me feel the insecurities I feel today.  My parents did everything they could, they watched out for me, they protected me, they called the principal, they did all that they could… but that didn’t change what happened out on the playground when no teachers were watching.  I was just a big girl, big boned and sure I could have afforded to lose weight, but how easy is it for an elementary school student to actively try to lose weight?  It’s just not feasible and some kids were just blessed with a smaller body frame and better genetics.  Just because I wasn’t blessed with a small body frame or a high metabolism doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of a good friendship or to not be made fun of, does it?

It settled down by the time middle school rolled around, but there were still aspects of those 3 years spent at the middle school where my weight was my biggest problem.  It was very much a feeling emotionally of “No body will love me because I’m fat” or “I’ll never have a boyfriend, what boy wants a fat girlfriend when they can have someone skinny?” and the list goes on and on.  It weighs heavily on your emotional state in middle school, that’s your transitional time, many students are going through puberty and our bodies are all changing – for better and worse, but that shouldn’t matter when you’re 11 or 12 years old and just trying to learn at school the way any normal 11 or 12 year old should.

High school years got better, and everything died down but you still felt like the fat girl or the one who will never get married or never find a boy that will love her for her.  Eventually by my senior year, I was pretty depressed… I worked through it, went to the doctor and started on birth control for my PCOS (PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome) and lost 20 some pounds, and I felt phenomenal.  Eventually graduation rolled around and it wasn’t 6 months later I met my current husband (Fall 2004).

I still talk down to my body, I still don’t accept compliments when someone tells me I look nice, or if I’ve lost weight and someone asks if I’ve lost weight… I still don’t say, “Oh, yes!  I’ve lost 30 lbs!” instead I say, “Oh, well thanks… yeah, I’ve lost a little.”  I’m not accepting of comments from others because I don’t know if they are telling me the truth or just saying it because they want to make me feel good.  I question everyone now days and I question myself more than anything, questioning myself all the time with “you’ll never look that good until you lose X amount of weight” or “you can buy that when you lose this much weight, because it only looks good on skinny people” when in fact that is NOT the case… ANYONE can look cute and happy and stylish, REGARDLESS of what’s on the outside.  That is NOT what matters.

My entire point in this post is this….

I want to forgive my body for the way I let it get treated, the way I didn’t stand up for it, and the way I nearly let other people control it and my feelings.  They tried so hard to tear me down, to tell me I wasn’t worth it and to make me feel like I would never ever succeed in life.  I wish I would have talked more about my feelings in my school years, talked to my guidance counselors, talked to my teachers and even talked more to my family about the situations.  I just didn’t want to be “that girl” or “that tattle-tailer” that everyone pressured you with if you told on someone.  I wish I would have stood up for myself and told them it doesn’t matter what the size of my body is, it’s what’s inside that counts.  I wish I would have told MYSELF that growing up.  I want to forgive my body for the way I talked down to it, for the way I let them get the best of me and allowed me to treat it the way they did.  I wanted them to like me so I did what they wanted and I allowed them to be friends with me when it was convenient for THEM, not for ME.

I forgive myself for allowing my body to be treated the way it was, by them and from myself.  I forgive myself and vow to myself to stop, today and forever to stop talking down to my body.  To allow myself to be accepting of comments and to not feel pressured all the time by everything in society.  I do not want those friends from so many years ago to be controlling my every move several years later; they might have won back then, but they sure as hell aren’t going to win now.

For the ones who have made me feel unworthy of anything good and positive, I do have to say, I’ve come along way.  The girl you thought would never get married, never have self-confidence or never get what YOU had THEN… I’ve got it all right now.

I’ve got every single part of it all… everything you thought I wouldn’t have, I’ve got.

I’m married.

I’ve got an excellent job, that pays well too.

I moved away.

I own my own home.

I have a family that loves and supports me no matter what.

I own my own car.

I am respected and loved unconditionally.

I am confident in my own decisions and I stand up for myself.

I have friends who love me for me, no matter what is on the outside.

You didn’t win, and I’m forgiving myself for letting me think I wasn’t worth it, because of all the things YOU would say all throughout my school years.

I am forgiving myself, because I AM WORTH IT.

I’m going to jump on the bandwagon and do this series of The 30 Days of Truth myself.  I think it’s a great way to find out those little things about you that you forget about… the things that you wouldn’t normally bring up in conversation, or those things you just don’t ever want to think about.  Either way, I’m here to do this with all the rest of you, or those of you that are doing it. It will also be great for me to get back into the swing of trying to write a post daily.

Here they are…

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone  you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (write a letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

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Day 1:  Something I Hate About Myself

This is probably one of those posts where you’re going to be all, “SHUT UP ALREADY” but whatever, I guess this is all part of the deal and maybe I’ll find out a little bit about myself in the process.  I really have too many things to use for this day 1 topic but I’ll narrow it down to one and one thing only, and believe it or not, it’s nothing about my body… because that’s just opening a whole ‘nother can of worms that I don’t feel like getting into this morning.  So I guess it won’t be a “SHUT UP ALREADY” post because I decided to only talk about one thing.

The one thing I hate about myself is that I do not know how to say NO to anyone.  It doesn’t really matter what the situation is either, it can be something with friends, family, Chris, anything, I’m always one to say yes.  I’d say Chris is probably the one that I could stand up to the most and say NO but, still usually I just bite my tongue and do whatever it is to help someone if I can.  I’m not saying this is a bad quality, because it’s not, I just wish I had the nerve to stand up for myself when I truly DO want to say NO.  If someone asks me to babysit, I tell them yes while quietly under my breath I’m kicking myself, “Why did you say yes? Didn’t you want to do this, or that, etc?”  I’ve always had a hard time with that and I’m not sure why. I especially get that way to family and my parents… I don’t know if it’s an “I don’t want to let them down” thing or what, either way I have the hardest time saying no. 

Now this probably will make all of you who know me in real life start thinking the next time you ask me to do something and I say yes, you’ll probably think back to this post and “but does she really want to?” …either way, try not to think that because truly, if it’s something I don’t want to do, I’ll tell you.  Maybe. Depends.

Another thing on the same topic is that when someone asks me to do something or change times for something, whatever it may be… I usually almost always respond with an, “I don’t care!  Honestly, it’s completely up to you.  I’m open either way” and then on occasion I backtrack in my head thinking about why I didn’t stand my ground and say something to the effect of, “No, I need to get home” or whatever it may be.  If I have to get home for an appointment or something, that’s different, but if it’s just because I don’t want to… then I’m usually not one to cause a fuss and I just go with the flow.

And Becca, because I know you and I know that if you happen to be reading this post you are probably entering panic  “oh my god, is she talking about me? she’s talking about me! yes she is, she is!” mode thinking about what I just said… just shush right now, I’m not talking about you.  I’m not afraid to tell you no when it’s something I don’t want to do, or don’t want to change.  Promise!  xoxo

Anyways, It’s a blessing and a curse to be so easy going but sometimes you get ran over when you’re like that all the time.  You have to stand your ground every once in a while so people don’t try to take advantage of you.  Either way, even though it’s a quality I would consider I hate about myself, I’m still thankful I can have that type of attitude and not get all wound up about things in that nature.

So there is that… Day 1 of 30… Check.

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ALSO!!!!!! 
Remember to enter my GIVEAWAY
for Halloween Candy! 
Contest Ends Friday 10/15 at 11:59pm CST

I don’t know about you but when I buy our candy for Halloween, I often find myself eating far too much even before the trick-or-treaters get to our door. I usually end up having to either a) run out or get some more candy before they all arrive or b) just turn off the lights when the candy bowl runs dry. I’m sure I’m not the only one who think candy is expensive either… it’s ridiculous sometimes just how much they can charge for something so, uh, well, delicious.

I happened upon their booth at BlogHer this past August and I initially walked past their booth, but turned around after I got a whiff of chocolate. I couldn’t help but grab a piece of the Butterfinger Snackerz that they were giving out to those who stopped by; after all I hadn’t tried the new smaller version of the candy bar. I was delighted with the fresh, airy, Butterfinger taste covered in milk chocolate… the Snackerz size bar was a perfect treat, perfect size and you didn’t have an entire full size candy bar to scarf down. I personally have a problem stopping this type of thing once I start… you start eating a full size candy bar, and 9 out of 10 times you just tell yourself, “Oh, I’ll just finish it and get it over with then I won’t have the temptation later!” Ha, we all know how that goes.  Anyways, after I tried the Snackerz, I received a mini fun size pack as well and I would be lying if I said they didn’t get devoured by the time I got back up to the hotel room.  Delish!

Special thanks to Nestle who has given me this great opportunity to host a giveaway to my readers!

GIVEAWAY DETAILS!

The winner will receive either 4 bags of fun-size Butterfinger Snackerz (16 Snackerz per bag totaling 64 individual fun-size bars) OR 2 bags of full-size pouches (24 pouches per bag totaling 48 full-size pouches).  You will receive ONE of the TWO based on the availability at the time of shipment.  These will be overnighted to you and you will receive them BEFORE Halloween!

CONTEST ENDS on FRIDAY, OCTOBER 15^th, 2010 at 11:59PM (CST).

Winner will be drawn via random.org.

Three ways to enter… three entries max, per person.  Follow these steps to enter!

1. Leave a comment here with your favorite all time candy bar is, it can be from when you were a child or a current favorite.
2. Subscribe to my blog via RSS Feed or e-mail and then leave a comment and let me know that you have just subscribed.  If you already subscribe, leave a comment and let me know, you count too!
3. Tweet about this giveaway on Twitter, and be sure to link back to this post.  Once completed, return back to this post and leave a comment telling me you have tweeted about it.

Feel free to copy and paste the text in orange to use for your tweet, whatever is easiest for you!
GIVEAWAY for Halloween Candy! Contest ends Friday 10/15! – http://tinyurl.com/29xto27

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Nestle Butterfinger is providing this giveaway. I am not being compensated in any way for writing this post.