When one door closes…

…another one opens.  Is that the saying?

I’ll be honest, this whole divorce thing with Chris and I went mighty fast.  The divorce was long in the making I think before I even realized it, but I’ll never forget when I woke up that Wednesday morning of March 28, 2012 and sat at my kitchen table sorting through Chris‘ baseball cards because we were going to see if we could sell some since they were just collecting dust.  He came downstairs early that afternoon (he worked nights and slept during the day) and he asked what was wrong and I lost it.  Tears streamed down my cheeks.  I told him I wasn’t happy.  I told him I wanted a divorce.

He sat on the steps looking at me.  Never will I forget the somber look on his face when he sat there staring at me.  Never.

He knew.  I knew.  It was coming.  We both just never thought we’d do it.  We truly didn’t think we would ever flip the switch and do it.  We both didn’t want to let our parents down.  We had just purchased our home two years prior, we were married for 3.5 years, together for 7.5 years… we had many ups and downs together. His family was my family… my family was his family… we loved each other, we were best friends, truly we were… but something awful would come between us in times of frustration and it would tear us apart, tear us to shreds.

I’m not writing this to say poor me… there is a reason why things happen, and sometimes we will never know the answer.  I’m not perfect, he’s not perfect… we both know that, and we both realize that… and the last thing I want to do is make this look like it was all his fault.  It absolutely most definitely was NOT… we both had our fair share of wrong-doing in the relationship.

I told him I wanted a divorce on March 28, 2012… we continued living together for a few weeks… he was an absolute emotional wreck, the tears… oh, the tears I cried… the tears he cried.  The tears I’m crying right now.  I’ll admit it… it was the hardest thing I have ever dealt with.  EVER.  On April 15, 2012 he and I got into an argument and I flipped out… I won’t deny it, I truly truly flipped my lid… and he was scared.  He called the cops on me.  I’ll never forget listening to him talk to the dispatcher, telling her I was freaking out, he was worried, didn’t know what I was going to do.  I was saying things I don’t even remember saying.  I was NOT me.  That’s for sure.  I thought at first he was just trying to get me worked up more by pretending to call the cops, but when I heard him say, “Yes, there are guns in the house.  No, she doesn’t know how to use them.”  I knew it was the real deal.  I heard him say thank you and hang up, and it wasn’t 5 minutes later and a Deputy was knocking on our sliding glass door.

Me?  Krystle?  The cops are here for ME?  What has this come to?  Why in the hell would he call the cops on me?  I had settled down by that point, the reality that he was really on the phone with the dispatcher was a sobering thought.

The cop walked in, he was probably a few years older than us, maybe in his early 30s.  A Deputy was standing in MY living room?  I’m not like that, they don’t belong in MY living room.  I was still crying, although not hysterically like a few minutes prior.  He was a nice guy, thank God… he asked,  Alright guys, what’s going on?”  Chris explained his side, I explained my side… all three of us standing in the living room.  I admitted I was in the wrong, and I didn’t blame Chris for calling.  I started crying again talking to the Deputy after realizing again that there was a Deputy standing in my living room because of something I did.  I wanted to dig a hole and just die.  The Deputy was a sweetheart and I’m SO thankful.  After listening to both of us, he realized we obviously weren’t in danger of each other or a threat to anyone.  He said, “Alright guys, what can we do to resolve this for today?  Chris, I think maybe you should go somewhere for the day, take a breather, go visit family or friends, get out for a few hours.”  We both agreed.  Then the Deputy said, “Guys, this isn’t easy. I know exactly what you’re going through… I just went through it myself two months ago.  You guys don’t have kids, you two just have to worry about you and this place if this is all you have.  My best advice is to keep the lawyers out of it and do what you have to do to remain civil.  It’s going to be easier on the both of you, and you’ll be thankful in the end.  Hang in there you two, I know it’s not easy… and it’s probably going to get harder before it gets better, but it will get better, I know it does.”

And, I cannot tell you the feeling I felt when that Deputy that was standing in my living room because of me, told me that he just went through a divorce himself.  He was only a few years older than us.  Same situation as Chris and I.  I was so thankful.  I felt human.  Going through a divorce, you automatically feel judged and ridiculed.  After he said that, and KNEW and UNDERSTOOD what Chris and I were feeling that day… it was just, I don’t know… made me feel a little better.  He told us both to hang in there, get some space from each other, take a breather and to try to have a better day.  We told him thank you and I turned around and walked upstairs.

The tears.

Hysterical crying ensued as I walked up the stairs to my room (I was staying in the guest room for the past few weeks).  My head hit the pillow and I cried the big ugly cry.  The cry when you can’t catch your breath you’re crying so hard.

Was I doing the right thing?

Chris came upstairs to my room.  Sat on my bed.  We cried together.  He hugged me.  We cried some more.  He apologized for calling the cops but he didn’t know what to do at the time and that was the only thing he knew would fix it.  He left to go to his parents for a few days.  Eventually he moved his stuff up there and stayed with them for the next few months.

We filed for divorce on April 19th, 2012.

We both drove to the courthouse, signed our divorce papers, paid our $400 fee and left, together in the same car.

He asked me, “Aren’t you even sad?  Not even a little bit?”  And, I said I was… and I was, but I wasn’t as sad as I am now.  I was in the moment then, I was only thinking about the bad things, the things that brought us to this point.  Now, I think about the good times we did have… the love we did share, the security he did give me, the family of his that was mine.  Sure, the bad times were bad… but the good times were good, there just weren’t as many as I would have liked, especially in the last year or so.

Our divorce was final on May 3rd, 2012.  10 days after filing.  No court appearance, no nothing… submitted paperwork, judge reviewed it, signed off on it, and that was that.

There is so much more I could write, but truthfully, I don’t want to cry anymore.  Right now I think about what could have been or what should have been, and I can’t help but grieve that loss.  I left my home, our home, neighbors I loved, and he has Duke, our German Shepherd who is my entire LIFE.  I can see him whenever I want and go get him when I want, and I did just have him for a week here about a month ago and I’ll probably get him again in a few weeks for a week or so… but it doesn’t make it any easier.

I never really dealt with the grief that comes with divorce, and although I know we’re both happier now and in love with our own current relationships, I can’t stop the tears from falling as I close the other door.

Tagged as: divorce, grief, grieving, Marriage, relationships, sadness