Age 5: Ew, boys have cooties. Dad says.
Age 7: Teehee, I have a crush on that boy. Don’t tell dad.
Age 9: I wonder if he has a crush on me? Will you ask him out for me?
Age 11: Did you hear that? I think he likes me! Let’s play MASH to find out.
Age 14: No one likes me; no one will ever go out with me.
Age 16: Meh, he’s cute! Flirt a little; wonder if he likes me? Date?
Age 18: Get me out of this town. Wonder if online dating works? Started dating.
Age 20: Is this what it’s supposed to be like? Should I put up with this? I can’t leave him, I love him and no one will love me ever again. I don’t want to be alone forever, so no, I can’t leave him.
Age 22: Married. Him. Troubles. Is this it? Did I do the right thing? But I love him. He loves me. I’m married.
Age 24: Bought new house. Still married. Still have troubles. Is this it? Did I still do the right thing? Do we bring children into this? I do love him and I know he still loves me. Lots of bumps, but still happy. Fearful of future, to a point, is this really it? I think so.
Is it what I imagined?
:::::::::::::::::
Is this what I imagined? Did I make the right decisions?
Was this that boy that I imagined in my fairytale life when I was 5?
Maybe. Maybe not.
Does it always work out as imagined?
Maybe. Maybe not.
Growing up, you always have dreams, hopes, thoughts, questions, worries, anxiety and desires. You always want to be like others, you want to have that fairytale, you want to be what the society thinks you should be.
When I turned 18, I had a tremendous amount of fears, anxiety, depression and what ifs. Just like many of you. Sure, part of me knew that I would always find my prince charming, part of me knew that I wasn’t done yet and that I wasn’t going to be single for the rest of my life; yet part of me still feared that what if. It killed me to watch classmates, friends, cousins, etc move on with their life, watch them in love, see how great their relationship was and to know that they have someone who cares about them.
What I didn’t know was that those people who I thought had such a perfect relationship, perfect life, family, relationships, perfect boyfriend or girlfriend, perfect everything… didn’t truly have that perfect everything.
I thought having a boyfriend or being in a relationship, would be all roses and kisses and love and everything I was dreaming for.
I was wrong.
18 is a tender age. You want so much that you forget about some of the important things in the process that truly matter. Been there done that.
Truth be told; I probably shouldn’t be here today where I’m at. I likely shouldn’t have gotten married to the man I married.
But I am.
At age 18, I met Chris. Moved in together a year later, I had just turned 20. Got pregnant on accident shortly there after. Engaged at age 21, 2 years after we started dating. Got married 2 months before I turned 23. Bought our first house 6 months after I turned 24. Hope to be pregnant by the time I turn 25, in 5 months.
See it’s funny how that works. We’ve been here through hell and back; still standing side by side, even though there are far too many times where we’d like to kill each other. I still love him. I still care for him. I still can’t imagine my life without him.
But looking back; I can’t help but think if this is what I imagined?
It’s hard to think about that sometimes because I still look at others and think about how perfect their relationship/marriage is. I think that about others until I talk to them and realize that they go through the same things that Chris and I do. They disagree/argue like Chris and I do. They want to run screaming in the other direction like Chris and I do. They have their spats, their moments where we both know how to push each others buttons.
What I thought was such a bad relationship, isn’t a bad relationship in the least. It’s normal. It’s what love is all about it. It’s that part of marriage that they say, “Marriage takes work.”
And they weren’t kidding.
But I love every minute of it, and knowing where I am today, compared to where I was 6+ years ago; I couldn’t be happier.
I’m learning that none of us are perfect, nor will we ever be. We all have flaws and imperfections, and those are the qualities that we come to love in one another. Regardless if it’s what I imagined all those years ago or not.
We both have flaws, but we’re learning to love those flaws in ways I surely didn’t imagine.
This is a journey, this is life and marriage. This may not be what I imagined, but if everything was exactly how I imagined it how many years ago, what fun would that be?
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I really, really love that you wrote this. My husband and I are going through a really bumpy patch right now and I am having all those same thoughts. It's scary to have them and you find yourself thinking, "Am I the only one that feels this way, that wonders if I did the right thing?" It makes you crazy.
Thank you for making me see I'm not the only one that wonders. Seriously.
I know exactly what you mean! We got married young…had babies shortly after…and now we're still working on things every single day. But we couldn't live w/o eachother…hit the nail on the head!