The One that Is Not

…you know this post and this post?

This house?

…is not ours.  Nor will it ever be.

The house I fell in love with last week no longer has our offer.  We cancelled it.

We cancelled it because the likelyhood of getting the Bank of America to approve the offer price before 4/30/2010 without me going into an all out rage-ish panic attack psychotic tie me a straight jacket frenzy, is slim to none.  And? I truly didn’t want to take that chance.  Right now we solely decided to purchase a home because of the tax credit of $8k.  If it weren’t for that, we’d still be renting – which is fine, but when you’re going to be paying more for rent than you would for your own mortgage and YOUR OWN HOME, why not?  Some may disagree and say, “You’re just buying a home to get in on the tax credit, what’s the point?”  What’s wrong with it?  Chris used to say the same thing, “I don’t want to buy something just to get free money.” and I’d nod and say, “I know, I know” and move on to the next conversation.  But thankfully he came to earth to the realization that, this is not forever.

It’s not going to be a place we stay at for the rest of our life.

It’s not going to be the place we’ll raise our kids forever and ever.

It’s not the place I can see us growing old in.

It’s just not going to be the last purchase we make for a home of ours.

You know what I’m talking about right?  Mrs. Flinger wrote an extremely touching post about her home that they are now moving into.  She wrote this post when they thought last minute that they had lost the house and her visions of the rest of her family and the hope and dreams and future felt completely thrown out.  She didn’t think she had a chance and she was heart broken.  She wrote a post that truly truly explains my thoughts of why the home above is not the one we will be in forever, nor do I envision us raising our family there.  I don’t know why, I just simply don’t.

This is the year we were to move in to a hose big enough for the children to grow up in, finish school in, bring home boy friends, girl friends and leave for college in.

Our goal, since dating in 1989, has been to be in The House by the time our first child entered public school. Our goal was to provide a stable home for our children in a house we could stay in.

We found that house in October, 2009.

Literally, it was familiar upon first glance and immediately ours in our hearts.

Having a few quiet moments in our house on Monday, I sat, alone, watching the ghosts of the future. I saw my children running in from the school bus. I heard my daughter talking endlessly on the phone up in her room. I saw my parents visit and have enough space to stay after their long flight from Texas and a backyard big enough to house our puppy we are all eager to get.

This excerpt just reiterates my feelings towards the house above.  You see, my husband and I are young… young. And although several people will purchase their first home in their early 20s, there are several others who are not able or do not wish to purchase a home until their 30s or so.  I completely understand in both aspects… Especially in our situation when your your families live hours away from each other and you’re not quite sure where you’d like to live some day.  I truly would feel okay with continuing to rent for the next few years, really… because honestly?  Mortgages are skeery.  Maybe it’s all the negative things going on out there with foreclosures or short sales; who knows, but I do know it’s played a huge part on my thought process with buying a home.  Especially since Chris was laid off last year… what if? Looking back now at just a few weeks ago; what if? so what, what if he gets laid off? what if one of us gets sick and can’t work? what if a crisis happens and we lose an income? what if?  It’s kind of like asking “But whyyyyyyy? whyyy did this have to happen? why?” When you ask why, 9 times out of 10 you will never get the answer you want to hear. So, what IF something happens to us when we DO get a mortgage?

Then it does.

Then you work the best you can, the hardest you can, save your pennies, make budget changes, hold to a strict budget and pray that you get to the light at the end of the tunnel.  And if you don’t? What can you do about it? There are so many things in life that are beyond our control, sometimes we just have to let it go and just pray that everything turns out like it should.  Sure, 5 to 6 years ago if your house went into foreclosure or through short sale, you more than likely got labeled and portrayed as “Those people who spent too much money and lived beyond their means and went on fancy vacations instead of paying for their mortgage and always had new vehicles and had a house keeper and…” Now? Now it’s becoming the normal… it’s not rare in this day to have your home foreclosed on or sold through a short sale… it’s just not the way it used to be.  It seems there is a little more compassion  and understanding to those who are hurting and if anything it makes you realize as a person just how easy everything can be taken out from under you, even if you don’t live beyond your means and save your money, thrift shop, use coupons, don’t always have a new car, and you clean your own toilets… sometimes it’s just beyond. our. control.  I pray this whole downfall of the last few years has given others the chance to truly think about their own home they have worked so hard for, their family who can go home at night, their kids who can go into their own bedrooms in the comfort of their own home.  5 or 6 years ago I think it was just there, we all pretty much had a home to go to, family, friends who cared, beds to crawl in, warm supper on the table… now days? It’s unfortunate that more and more families are losing that.  The house above that we were going to buy… you can tell they had 3 kids; and it appeared to be 3 boys.  A young family who bought their home when it was built in 2002, moved their family in, and now the place they have been since day one is no longer the place they can call home.  They were ultimately forced to move out.  Sure, maybe it was because of an irresponsible mistake of their own… but I bet it wasn’t, I’d bet it was related to a job loss or pay cut.   Anyways, got sidetracked here… you get what I’m trying to say.  It just makes you feel bittersweet that a place you worked so very hard for was ripped out from under you for something you didn’t choose.

It makes you realize that life can take turns you’d never imagine; some really happy and some really gut wrenching.  I think being the age I am, I’ve seen this economy in my short life go from absolutely way up there to being all in the red.  Finally we’re starting to hover around this middle stage.  This stage where we’re, you know, baby steps… try to take that first step but don’t… get your foot out, step with your tippy toes, and bring it back… eventually we’ll all get our feet on the ground, one foot after the other… eventually this will be better, eventually things will change… but for now, we give thanks to the things we do have, the place we can call home whether you’re a grown adult and living back at home with your parents or living with friends or living in an apartment because you lost your house.  It doesn’t matter if you go home to a 4,000 square foot house or an 800 square foot house, you still have a place to call home and if that’s what it takes for the time being, then it does.  We sacrifice things now to get ahead later and if anything, I know without a doubt that living through these ups and downs of the economy and job losses and expenses increasing, I know I’ve learned many things that I would not have learned nor would I have wanted to learn 5 years ago… because truly? Who thinks some day they won’t have a place to call home?

I just know that right now, right now I don’t have a place that has my name on it.  I don’t have a place that needs to be sent a rent check to.  I don’t have a place that I’m sleeping in my very own bed.  Sure, I’m sleeping in a bed, but not my bed.  I just say thanks and remain grateful that I even have a bed to sleep in at night.  This isn’t forever, this wasn’t planned… but often times things happen that you don’t expect, and if you can learn something from them that will help you down the road with life, then was this time all that bad after all? Were the experiences you went through as a person and family life altering? Will things get better? Probably. It’s rare that they don’t someday. 3 months ago my husband and I turned in our rental notice to our landlord where we were renting a house in the country about a mile from my parents with beautiful views, surrounded with corn fields and scenery so quiet you could hear things for miles. We turned in our notice and move all of our stuff out by December 15th.  From December 15th until last Monday March 8th, I haven’t lived with my husband.  Sure we’ve seen each other on the weekends and talked daily… but I haven’t lived with him for 3 months.  He’s lived at least 2 hours away from me at all times.  It’s been hard, mentally and emotionally.  Hard.  We have parts of our house that we packed up in Wisconsin all over; some of it is in storage, some of it is at my in-laws, some of it is here at Chris‘ grandparents (where he has been staying since January because they have been in Arizona since early January and they graciously offered their home to him in the interim that we find a new place to live and after he was at his new job for a few weeks) and some of it is at my in-law’s cabin where Chris and Duke stayed for nearly a month.

Soon this journey will end and we will gather our belongings, take pride in the things we have big and small, have thanks for the bed we can sleep in, and know that these bits and pieces of our life are only going to mold us into something good.

In a month and a half, this chapter of our life will close and we’ll begin another.

What if life throws us a curve ball and we can no longer afford where we are living?

What if one of us lose our job?

What if one of us God for bid gets sick and cannot work?

What if you have to live with your family or friends for the interim?

What if?

What if the sun doesn’t come up some day?

What if?

All we can do as husband and wife is learn to grow together, learn to help each other in times of fear, learn to appreciate each other and the work we do, take pride in the little things and as long as we put effort into our lives and work hard for what we want, we’ll know we’ve done everything we could and I know without a shadow of a doubt, whether we’re living in a 10×10 apartment with nothing but each other that we’ll still have a place to call home and it will be all we need.

You live and you learn.
You give strength and have hope.
You love and you appreciate.
You have joy and you embrace.
You dream and have faith.
You live courageously and with purpose.
You live without fear and pray for the best.
You put one foot in front of the other and you jump.

…and we did.

To be continued.